hemrage | Desperate Times

Chapter 22: here.

Title: Desperate Times (23/?)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/OMCs, AU, Non-con, Dub-con, MPREG

Additional Warnings For This and Upcoming Chapters for those that want them – Reading these may, in my opinion, spoil your enjoyment of the story: (Highlight to read) Acts of terrorism, violence, murder and CHARACTER DEATH (I only kill original characters, so Jared and Jensen are safe)

It would be dawn soon, a new day replacing the old, but Sam knew he wasn’t ready for this day to end.

Not yet.

Not ever.

He knew she was watching him, could feel her eyes boring into the back of his head, impatient, waiting, but he didn’t turn, not immediately.

He looked out of the window, towards the east, seeing nothing but dark shadows against a dark sky. The rain had stopped hours ago, just before Christian had driven away to check on Andy’s group, make sure they were okay.

They were safe here for a couple of days, Chris would swing by and pick up Jack if he was still at the motel, and then they’d be on the move. Together part of the way, but splitting up again later because that’s the way it was safest.

When he turned she was staring at him, her striking eyes questioning, pitying. He ignored both, choosing instead to remember the exact moment he’d recognized the emotion he’d felt for her – still felt. He’d thought it was just lust, admiration, respect. It had come as a complete shock – that love. He’d never given it away easily, only ever loved one person in his life before, and that had been his dad. But with Sarah it kind of snuck up on him, quickly, without warning. Crept under his skin and took up residence. Had refused to leave no matter how hard he’d tried to evict it.

The very first time he’d said I love you she’d smiled at him and said, Of course you do, you idiot.

And that had been that.

That very same smile sat on her face as he watched over her, small upturn of her lips accompanied by a knowing light in her eyes. She was waiting for him to get with the program. To understand what she already knew to be an undeniable fact.

He found saying no to her difficult, but he made himself do it nevertheless. In his head, not out loud where she would hear and argue. She always knew he was a stubborn bastard, anyway. She wouldn’t be surprised that this wouldn’t change that about him.

“I think we should go on vacation.” It wasn’t what he meant to say, but as he looked at the crappy picture of a waterfall on the pockmarked wall he remembered a place he’d been to once. One of the few he’d travelled to on his own bank account. A place where he’d been able to relax and not worry about killing, or being killed.

She rolled her eyes heavenward, a sigh escaped as she moved from her back to her side so she could see him better, “Where’d you want to go?”

He ignored the tremble in her words, the volume that was barely audible. He heard her, he always would. He knew she was annoyed, knew that she was just humoring him. He’d thank her for it if it would be appreciated, but to bring it up would mean that he’d acknowledged the truth.

Sarah never tolerated him acting the fool, being an idiot, but the gratitude welled up in unreasonable quantities – that she’d allowed him to get away with this… this … denial.

“The beach. We could both do with it. Go down to Mexico. After we’ve set the guys up properly at the new safe house we could just climb in the car and drive south. Take it as that honeymoon we’ve been promising ourselves for - forever.”

Sarah’s gaze fell on her hand, her fingers long and graceful, too pale, before they settled onto her stomach, her beauty momentarily marred by an annoyed frown. “I lost my wedding ring.” Her eyes met his, “Do I still get to go on honeymoon without it?”

Sam shook his head. Tutting at her even though he knew she hated it. As far as he was concerned a piece of metal couldn’t change the way he felt about her. The ring was always something she wanted. He didn’t need it to know she was his. “You never did appreciate my taste in jewelry. If you wanted a new one you just had to say.”

The cough that erupted from between her lips stole the smile away before she could make it.

Sam picked up a tissue from the dresser and lowered himself onto his knees, leant over the side of the bed, wiped away the blood that had trickled from her mouth, down her face, toward the pillow that was almost the same shade of white as her skin.

She wasn’t completely relaxed, but she didn’t protest as he climbed up onto the bed next to her, rearranging her body so that he was as close to her as he could get. He moved the top half of her body gently. Rested her head below his chin, her chest against his own so that his heart could remind hers of what was expected of it when the time came for it to forget. As it had already, as it would again.

“I want to go fishing. What d’you think? A couple of days at sea? You could cut up my bait.”

Sam was aware of the effort it took for her to move her hand, she settled it onto the space on his chest in front of her, used it to help lift her head just enough to look at him. “I’m not cutting up your fucking bait.” Her head returned to its previous position, her fingers burned through his shirt to stroke the flesh beneath. He couldn’t believe how cold they were. “If … if we’re going to Mexico I want beaches not fish guts.”

“I didn’t think you liked all that touristy stuff?”

“I can do it … when I have to.”

She picked up the hand that he’d rested on the bed next to her, brought his fingers up to her mouth before she kissed every one. She held the back of his hand to her lips before holding it against her cheek.

She dropped it when the coughing started again.

Sam brought his hand up to settle on her back and he eased her through it as best he could, ignoring the blood he could feel seep through to his skin. “Do you expect me to sunbathe then? You know I burn up if there’s too much sun.”

Sam waited for a little while for Sarah to answer, but she was obviously unable to think of a valid response to that because she didn’t say anything.

“So we’ll go to Acapulco. We’ll go fishing. No, okay. I’ll fish while you lounge around on the deck. Get a tan.” He picked up the still fingers lying on his chest, held them tenderly before he kissed her fingers the way she had his. His other hand rested against the back that no longer trembled with the effort to breathe.

He stared at her fingers, the place where her ring should sit. A white ring on a hand that’s drained of hue. She could do with a bit more color. The sun was always kind to her. Her skin always turned a pale gold rather than a bright red. “You could do with some color you know?” He said it aloud, she needed to know these things that he’d never told her. “I know you complain about the freckles, but I’ve always been partial to them. And Jensen’s given me a new appreciation for them too – though his don’t hold a candle to yours.”

His mind skittered, found a safe haven, concerned himself with thoughts of the other men in the house - how was Jensen doing? Jared too for that matter? Neither of them had said much when they arrived, though, admittedly, he’d been more than a little distracted at the time.

Jensen probably needed some time with Morgan. Jared? He probably needed some time with Jensen.

Sam leant back, careful not to disturb Sarah’s resting body. Her head moved only slightly, her loose hair fell across his chest. Waves vibrant and alive. He always loved the color of her hair. He let his fingers run through it, she’d complain if he carried on, she always did. She’d tell him that if he was that partial to long hair he should try growing his own. Yet the one time he’d tried to do just that she threatened to castrate him if he didn’t cut it off. With a choice of one cut over another he knew he’d made the right choice.

He moved forward far enough to kiss the top of her head and then he closed his eyes against the light that had started to invade the room. He refused to open them – the light could show him things he didn’t want to see. “You’ll like Jensen a lot if you give him a chance. I bet Joseph can’t wait to see him, but we’d better hold off on contacting him. They’re bound to be watching.”

Sam lowered his head a little more, rested his cheek against her crown and breathed in the unmistakable scent of his wife. The apple scented shampoo in her hair, fresh soap from the shower they’d shared earlier - spoiled by the coppery taint he’d fought to ignore ever since Morgan left them alone.

“Of course, if you’d rather go somewhere else I’m open to suggestions. We don’t have to go to Mexico. That’s just me being lazy. Getting past airport security and flying overseas would be a bitch, but we can go somewhere in Europe if you want. Or Asia, Africa even. I’ll find a way baby, I’d go anywhere for you. As long as I’m with you.”

She didn’t answer, he knew she wouldn’t, but a small, fragile part of him had clung onto hope as if it was something tangible. Something that actually existed.

He didn’t notice that the tears that hit his hand were his. Not at first. It just didn’t register.

He knew he was supposed to say goodbye. It’s what she’d wanted him to do, but she knew he wouldn’t be able to. She knew that the word would never pass his lips because she knew him - and no-one else had ever known him so well.

He should have said those words though, those words that he’d only ever said three times in all the years he’d known her.

He didn’t want to let her go, so he’d even refused to say them. Held them back so that she’d wait.

Wait until he was ready.

But then – she knew him well enough to know that he never would be.

He opened his eyes.

Sunlight streamed in through the window, lit up her hair, her face. Too radiant, too beautiful a reminder of what he’d lost.

He’d take her anywhere. Go anywhere with her. But she left without him and there’s nothing he can do to bring her back.

“I love you. Goodbye.”

Part 24

A/N: I know this is short but, once I got this far part of me felt I owed Sam and Sarah this chapter. (Besides, I was blubbering a bit). I know, I know – I’m a big softy – but, well, it explains a lot about the way Sam’s going to be in future chapters so, well, I left it there.
I’m keeping Jared and Jensen waiting for their reunion until Sunday.

Again, because of its brevity (and the fact that I really need to get to bed) I won’t be cross posting this chapter until I have two to cross post on Sunday.