Desperate Times - 13
Aug. 15th, 2008 09:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hemrageChapter 12: here.
Title: Desperate Times (13/?)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/OMCs, AU, Non-con, Dub-con, MPREG
Jeff didn’t make it home like he’d planned.
What he’d intended to do was grab a couple of bottles from Mike’s liquor store and drink himself to sleep, but five minutes out of the Center’s parking lot and he’d come to the conclusion that that would simply take too long.
The bar wasn’t anywhere he’d been before. Oh, he’d passed it a few times, but he’d never ventured inside. The clientele were too young, always, at least to Jeff’s mind, on the pull. But this is where he was because there, behind the counter, was all kinds of liquid oblivion and he was desperate to embrace it.
He was becoming a creature of a very nasty habit and he didn’t care.
It took less than twenty minutes to get a pleasant buzz going though he wasn’t anywhere near drunk. It took more than the three bourbons he’d had to have an impact these days and that was a sorry testament to the way he’d been giving his body ample opportunity to build up a resistance.
Knocking his glass onto the wooden bar top, he managed to get the barman’s attention, tilting the glass to one side to indicate that he wanted it filled.
“Let me buy you a drink.”
Jeff frowned, really wasn’t in the mood for company, but as he turned to face the woman on the next stool, he changed his mind. Maybe the right kind of ‘company’ was exactly what he needed. Sex could be as much of a distraction from the crap in his life as what lay within the confines of a bottle. Though the morning after could be unpleasant either way.
He took in her appearance in a matter of seconds. A tumble of red hair was piled high on her head and green eyes smiled at him as she realized what he was doing. There was something incredibly familiar about that face, about the way her nose turned up just a little, about that little beauty spot on her chin, but he couldn’t place it and his train of thought was completely lost as she leant forward and the low cut black top struggled to contain a cleavage that was making a bid for escape.
“Drinking…” What the hell was he drinking again? Fuck, it’d been far too long since he’d had a woman in his bed and his cock was actually, for once, agreeing with his brain. Traitorous thing was determined to cheat on his right hand. Then the answer came to him, brain finally skittering back to rational thought. “Bourbon.”
She smiled, indicated quickly to the barman that she’d like another and then her attention was back on him. As she picked up her glass Jeff noticed the ring of pale skin around her finger. Divorced or cheating wife? Since he was only interested in a little relief, a one time only deal, he really didn’t care. Well, as long as she wasn’t being followed by said husband.
Jeff picked up his glass as he turned to scope the room, see whether anyone was paying too much attention to what was going on at the bar, when another glass took the place of the one in his hand and he decided he was being paranoid. “Cheers.” He swallowed the contents of his glass in one go, enjoying the burn as it slid down his throat, before picking up the glass the redhead had bought him.
“Cheers to you too.” She sipped her own drink. Full lips holding on to the glass as her tongue dipped into the liquid.
God damnit, that was hot.
“Name’s Jeff.”
She held out her hand and Jeff took it, “Pleased to meet you Jeff. I’ve not seen you around here before.”
It was a cliché but Jeff had no problem at all with forgiving her for it. “That’s because I’ve never been here.”
He sipped from the second glass, stronger, deeper. He wondered whether the barman had changed bottles, brand?
“So, you work nearby?”
Jeff nodded. He didn’t want to elaborate on where he worked. He wasn’t drunk enough to forget how some people found the things that happened at the Center distasteful.
“Me too.”
Jeff smiled. It was getting hot and he opened the next couple of buttons on his shirt, grateful that he’d left his tie and jacket in the car.
“Not very talkative are you sweetie? Do you not want my company?”
Jeff did. He really did, but he just couldn’t verbalize his desire. He wasn’t that drunk was he? He watched her finger slide round the rim of her glass before she let it slip in, bringing the dripping finger to her mouth. Mesmerized, he nodded and the redhead next to him smiled.
“Good. Why don’t you come with me?” She slid off the stool and moved to Jeff who almost hit the floor as he slipped off his.
Something wasn’t right. Maybe he should call a cab and go straight home. Sleep it off. But it was as if she could tell what he was thinking and her smile faltered, her eyes hardened. “Lean on me Dr Morgan. Just lean on me?”
She put her shoulder under his arm and slipped her arm round his waist – tightly. There was no way a pretty little thing like her should be strong enough to support the weight his legs seemed incapable of carrying.
Something wasn’t right. Something ..
Thinking really wasn’t working for him.
Had he told her his name?
How did she know?
“I didn’t say….” And her smile vanished completely once she realized he’d recognized her.
Fucking hell. What had he got himself mixed up in?
Jared had plenty of time to think about what Sam had said when he went back inside. Jensen was with Jack and, though he was more than a little worried about Jack’s emotional state, he knew better than to eavesdrop on whatever was going on with the two of them. No matter how much he wanted to stand outside the heavy drape of that curtain, or sit on the ground with his ear to the cloth, he had enough self control to stay away.
His eyes kept being drawn to the alcove, but what his eyes were prevented from seeing his imagination crafted, painted images of things he didn’t want to see or believe.
He sat blindly in front of the television – volume muted so that he could hear if Jensen needed help….
This place was driving him insane.
He’d expected to pass out, but he hadn’t. He’d drifted, semi aware of where he was, who he was with. By the time they’d arrived at their destination he was almost in control of his body again.
Almost.
That was how the woman was able to lead him into the apartment with him not putting up any resistance. She could’ve killed him and he wouldn’t have raised a hand to stop her.
“Don’t panic Dr Morgan. I’m not a psychopath. I’ve not brought you here to kill you.”
And there was the redheaded bitch he was familiar with, and she was reading his fucking mind. “You’re Metcalfe’s secretary. Sally? Sandy?”
“Try Sarah.”
She pushed him down onto a sofa. It was reassuring being closer to the ground as his head was spinning, threatening to divorce his shoulders. She pulled a wooden chair over from the dining table and sat opposite him. “I apologize now for the monster hangover you’re going to have in the morning. Oh, and for the disappointment you must’ve been feeling when you realized you weren’t getting laid tonight.”
Jeff had never felt less like fucking someone. Woman would probably castrate him while he was trying to get the condom on. “What do you want?”
“I want your help.”
Jeff wasn’t sure what expression he’d been showing her but she pouted, fake humor oozing through every word. “Oh, don’t be like that, you’ll hurt my feelings.”
He tried to stand. At least he thought he did. That was why she was pushing him back down on to the sofa, frown distorting her beauty as she smoothed out the creases in her skirt. Nice skirt. Covering awesome legs that went all the way up to …. Oh. Yeah.
His face hurt. Had he fallen? Had his face hit the floor? Had she hit him?
Once she was sure he was focused on her face she began talking again. “I need your help, Dr Morgan. I belong to an organization that isn’t particularly fond of the things that are happening in the Center.”
Jeff wasn’t surprised now. Really wasn’t. It all came down to that place. It was determined to destroy him. “There are a lot of people who aren’t fond of what happens at the Center.” He muttered, but she heard him.
“Yeah. And I think you’re one of them.”
Jeff looked at her then, closely. She wasn’t some bright eyed innocent intent on swaying him to her cause. She had the presence of someone who’d been places and seen things that’d haunt you. It was her eyes that gave her away as anything other than a beautiful twentysomething. Secretary to an asshole who had let his position go to her head.
“You’ve been working for Metcalfe for five months.”
She nodded, hair tumbling down to curtain her face as she removed the clip that’d been holding it up. “The man’s a bastard. His last secretary couldn’t stand the sight of him, was more than grateful for the job offer that got her out.”
“You got her to leave?”
“Her departure was convenient.”
A thought struck Jeff then. The fire at the clinic had been started by someone who had worked there, someone who had known the way the place worked. “Are you planning on burning the place down?”
She laughed. “Oh I’d love to, I really would. But I’m more interested in getting the men you have imprisoned there out.”
Jeff thought out loud, “We have four gestates in confinement at the moment.”
“I know.”
“You can’t get all of them out. Not them and the men that are with them.”
She crossed her legs, leaning a little forward. There was no flirtation there at all and Jeff wasn’t tempted to take his eyes away from her face. “Doctor, doctor, doctor. Don’t tell me I can’t do things. My husband long since gave up trying to do that.”
Jeff was stunned that there was a husband, guy must either be as hard as nails or a glutton for punishment. He had Jeff’s sympathy.
“Besides,” she continued, “with your help, I’m sure we can think of something.”
Maybe things would have been easier if she’d killed him.
Jared watched Jensen sleep.
It’d been the first night that they’d been together when he hadn’t initiated sex and, though Jensen had been surprised, he hadn’t said anything. He’d just folded in on himself, back turned to Jared as he’d closed his eyes.
Jared had no doubt whatsoever that Jensen had feigned sleep initially, his body held too tensely for him to be anything other than awake, but eventually, an hour or so after he’d closed his eyes, his body relaxed, sleep finally claiming him.
Jared walked round the bed and studied Jensen’s face, pushing his hair back gently off his forehead, curling it gently round his ear. His cheekbones were too pronounced, the shadows under his eyes were too dark.
Breakdown, that’s what Sam had said and Jared just hadn’t seen it, hadn’t wanted to. A breakdown was something he couldn’t fix, he didn’t know how.
Jared went back to the side of the bed that had become his and settled in, under the covers, back propped up against the headboard. He turned Jensen’s unresisting body towards him and rested his head on his lap. Jensen didn’t wake, exhaustion too great, but it was only a matter of time before those eyes opened. He never got more than an hour or two before the nightmares came to torment him.
Jared ran his hand down Jensen’s back, offering comfort, physical contact that Jensen didn’t seem to welcome when he was awake. It wasn’t long before Jensen’s brow creased and the rate of his breathing increased.
He touched Jensen’s forehead gently with his thumb, smoothing out the furrows. “Shhhhh…” Jensen moved slightly, a whimper escaping from his mouth. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Jared sank down further into the bed, Jensen’s head now resting against his chest. “Ssssh… You need to sleep. It’s okay. I’ll look after you…”
Jensen settled a little, but Jared didn’t stop stroking and whispering to him. Eventually, though, despite his best intentions, his own eyes slipped closed and he slept.
…
The first thing Jared saw when he opened his eyes was green. Jensen stared back at him, bottom lip already being teased by sharp teeth.
“Good morning.” Jared reached out and rubbed his thumb over Jensen’s frown of confusion. His eyebrows rose in response.
“I thought I dreamed that.”
Jared blushed. “Sorry. That was me.” Jensen nodded, and, sat up, pulling himself away from Jared’s body, but not leaving the bed. “Did you get much sleep last night?”
Jensen nodded, “Some. Jared, why didn’t we have sex last night?”
Jared sat up, careful not to lean too close to Jensen, but fully aware that Jensen was inching closer and closer to the edge of the bed, “You were tired.”
“So?”
Jared hated that Jensen was so confused by Jared choosing to place a simple need, the need for Jensen to rest, ahead of the nightly coupling that had become expected whenever they shared a bed. He had fucked up so badly. He sighed, “So, I thought you getting some sleep was more important.”
Silence, Jensen turned away and there was no expression to read. Whatever was showing on Jensen’s face the man was hiding it.
Jared noticed, abstractedly, that Jensen’s hair was beginning to curl against his neck, the short style he’d been wearing when he arrived was growing out. It made Jensen look younger…
When Jensen turned back to face him there was nothing more than the familiar resignation on his face. “Do you want sex now?”
“Do you?” Jared had to ask the question. He hoped that Jensen hadn’t noticed the condition he’d woken up in, because he was losing the mood pretty quickly.
“You know what I want doesn’t matter.” There was anger in each bitten off word and part of Jared was glad, glad that there was some emotion in there, some passion.
“Right now, to me, it does. Do you want sex?” He kept his voice quiet, only loud enough for the man who was sitting on the bed to hear it.
“No.”
Jared smiled, “Then we’re not having sex.”
Jared didn’t miss that bewilderment once again crossed Jensen’s face before he reined it in, held it back. Jensen’s eyes wouldn’t remain focused on him. They flittered round the room, looking for distraction. Looking anywhere but at Jared, though Jared wasn’t looking anywhere other than at the man who sat in front of him. “I think we need to talk.”
“About what?” Jensen was staring at the floor as he spat out the words. The anger obviously building.
Jensen was angry. Jared had to convince himself that this was a good thing. It meant he was letting himself feel something other than misery, desolation and that fucking awful resignation.
Anger!
Yes Jensen, feel angry.
Feel alive.
Jared tried to sound calm even though the adrenaline had already begun to flow through his own veins. Taking flight and fighting were things he didn’t want to have to consider. “About what’s going on with you. In your head. What you think about things. How you feel.”
Jensen still wasn’t looking at him. He was staring at his hands that were lying unnaturally still on the bed between them. “You a shrink Jared? I didn’t know that. Had one before I came in here. Have to say you’re lousy at the job.”
“I’m not a shrink, but I have ears. I can listen, and you need to talk. You need to tell someone about how this is affecting you.”
“You think that’s you…?” Jensen’s voice was quieter now, though the tone was no less bitter.
“I want it to be.”
Jensen looked up at him. Looked into him. It felt almost like a physical blow. “Not everything in this life is about you getting what you want Jared.”
Jared almost backed down, his resolve wavering at the intensity he saw in Jensen’s eyes, the curl of his lip, the disgust and hatred that dripped from every word. But it wasn’t really directed at him. This was how Jensen felt towards himself and it was destroying him. “Isn’t it? It’s why you agreed to let me make you come isn’t it? You thought you were doing me a favor?” And Jared hated the fact that he knew it was true. That he’d allowed Jensen to make it easier for him while simultaneously making things even more difficult for himself.
Jensen didn’t reply, but his jaw clenched like he was holding back what he was going to say, like he was afraid to give voice to what he really thought.
“I want you to take pleasure from sex because you want it. Not for me. You shouldn’t’ve done that for me.” Jared struggled to even feign the calmness that had deserted him.
“Made you feel better about fucking me didn’t it?”
Jared listened to the words, not the scathing, accusing tone Jensen had used to say them. That was what it was about. Jensen putting someone else first. Always someone else.
Jared couldn’t deny it. “That’s beside the point.”
“Is it? Why?”
The pain Jared could see contorting Jensen’s face, the anger that had been replaced by despair, prompted him to stretch out his arm, try to reach for the smaller man. Offer more of the comfort he’d been able to give while Jensen slept. But Jensen pulled away, backed up against the wall while Jared let his hands drop back into his lap. A little closer but not within arms reach.
“I wanted you to feel good. I wanted to make what’s happening in here easier for you.”
Jensen flipped again, despair back to anger. “Easier. Easier Jared. How the hell could this get any easier? I’m having sex every day with men I didn’t even know three weeks ago. I’m not gay. Never was. But now, apparently, I’m going to keep on having sex with men so that I can get pregnant and have babies I don’t want.”
Jared wanted to say something, anything to calm Jensen down, but he didn’t know what he could say. Besides, Jensen hadn’t finished yet.
“Parenthood shouldn’t be forced on a person, it should be a choice. I never chose this. A baby wouldn’t get anything from me. Would be better off not having me as a parent.”
Jared knew where that belief came from, knew which nightmare prompted it. “You don’t mean that.”
“Don’t you dare tell me what I don’t mean. Don’t you fucking dare.”
Jared doubted that Jensen even noticed the tears that were slipping down his face, didn’t notice the blood welling up between his fingers as his fingernails sank into the soft flesh of his palm.
“What if you’re already pregnant? Are you saying you wouldn’t want to keep it?”
Jensen whirled, face frozen. Shocked, hurt. “I won’t kill it.”
It was Jared’s turn to feel confused. He’d never suggested Jensen would harm his child. “What does that mean, you won’t kill it?”
“I won’t do what I did last time.”
“But you didn’t know you were pregnant, you weren’t trying to kill her. You were …” He didn’t say the rest out loud. Trying to kill yourself, played through his mind and the words rang true. Jensen had been trying to kill himself and the only reason he wouldn’t try now, the only reason, was because he didn’t know whether he’d be taking someone else with him.
“You are not responsible for what happened to you or your daughter. You were a victim. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I didn’t tell anyone.” The anger had deserted him now and sorrow wasn’t enough to keep him on his feet.
As Jensen sank down, to the floor, Jared moved, wrapped himself round the weeping man who made no attempt to escape the contact. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“She wouldn’t have died if I’d told someone.”
“Not your fault.”
“I …”
“No. It’s not your fault, Jensen. It’s not.”
“Then why am I being punished?”
And Jared had no words. He held him close, kissed his hair, and rocked him. Jared felt the sobs that wracked the smaller body, felt the hot tears as they fell down his neck, and held on tighter. He wasn’t going to let go, wasn’t going to let Jensen ignore the pain that was bottled up inside anymore.
When the tears stopped, finally, Jensen slept.
Part 14
A/N: It seems, when I post late, you get an extra 1000 words. Must mean I feel guilty! With this post the word count for this story goes beyond 30,000 words. Thank you for all of your kind words and encouragement. I'm so grateful you're all still interested. Thank you.
Title: Desperate Times (13/?)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/OMCs, AU, Non-con, Dub-con, MPREG
Jeff didn’t make it home like he’d planned.
What he’d intended to do was grab a couple of bottles from Mike’s liquor store and drink himself to sleep, but five minutes out of the Center’s parking lot and he’d come to the conclusion that that would simply take too long.
The bar wasn’t anywhere he’d been before. Oh, he’d passed it a few times, but he’d never ventured inside. The clientele were too young, always, at least to Jeff’s mind, on the pull. But this is where he was because there, behind the counter, was all kinds of liquid oblivion and he was desperate to embrace it.
He was becoming a creature of a very nasty habit and he didn’t care.
It took less than twenty minutes to get a pleasant buzz going though he wasn’t anywhere near drunk. It took more than the three bourbons he’d had to have an impact these days and that was a sorry testament to the way he’d been giving his body ample opportunity to build up a resistance.
Knocking his glass onto the wooden bar top, he managed to get the barman’s attention, tilting the glass to one side to indicate that he wanted it filled.
“Let me buy you a drink.”
Jeff frowned, really wasn’t in the mood for company, but as he turned to face the woman on the next stool, he changed his mind. Maybe the right kind of ‘company’ was exactly what he needed. Sex could be as much of a distraction from the crap in his life as what lay within the confines of a bottle. Though the morning after could be unpleasant either way.
He took in her appearance in a matter of seconds. A tumble of red hair was piled high on her head and green eyes smiled at him as she realized what he was doing. There was something incredibly familiar about that face, about the way her nose turned up just a little, about that little beauty spot on her chin, but he couldn’t place it and his train of thought was completely lost as she leant forward and the low cut black top struggled to contain a cleavage that was making a bid for escape.
“Drinking…” What the hell was he drinking again? Fuck, it’d been far too long since he’d had a woman in his bed and his cock was actually, for once, agreeing with his brain. Traitorous thing was determined to cheat on his right hand. Then the answer came to him, brain finally skittering back to rational thought. “Bourbon.”
She smiled, indicated quickly to the barman that she’d like another and then her attention was back on him. As she picked up her glass Jeff noticed the ring of pale skin around her finger. Divorced or cheating wife? Since he was only interested in a little relief, a one time only deal, he really didn’t care. Well, as long as she wasn’t being followed by said husband.
Jeff picked up his glass as he turned to scope the room, see whether anyone was paying too much attention to what was going on at the bar, when another glass took the place of the one in his hand and he decided he was being paranoid. “Cheers.” He swallowed the contents of his glass in one go, enjoying the burn as it slid down his throat, before picking up the glass the redhead had bought him.
“Cheers to you too.” She sipped her own drink. Full lips holding on to the glass as her tongue dipped into the liquid.
God damnit, that was hot.
“Name’s Jeff.”
She held out her hand and Jeff took it, “Pleased to meet you Jeff. I’ve not seen you around here before.”
It was a cliché but Jeff had no problem at all with forgiving her for it. “That’s because I’ve never been here.”
He sipped from the second glass, stronger, deeper. He wondered whether the barman had changed bottles, brand?
“So, you work nearby?”
Jeff nodded. He didn’t want to elaborate on where he worked. He wasn’t drunk enough to forget how some people found the things that happened at the Center distasteful.
“Me too.”
Jeff smiled. It was getting hot and he opened the next couple of buttons on his shirt, grateful that he’d left his tie and jacket in the car.
“Not very talkative are you sweetie? Do you not want my company?”
Jeff did. He really did, but he just couldn’t verbalize his desire. He wasn’t that drunk was he? He watched her finger slide round the rim of her glass before she let it slip in, bringing the dripping finger to her mouth. Mesmerized, he nodded and the redhead next to him smiled.
“Good. Why don’t you come with me?” She slid off the stool and moved to Jeff who almost hit the floor as he slipped off his.
Something wasn’t right. Maybe he should call a cab and go straight home. Sleep it off. But it was as if she could tell what he was thinking and her smile faltered, her eyes hardened. “Lean on me Dr Morgan. Just lean on me?”
She put her shoulder under his arm and slipped her arm round his waist – tightly. There was no way a pretty little thing like her should be strong enough to support the weight his legs seemed incapable of carrying.
Something wasn’t right. Something ..
Thinking really wasn’t working for him.
Had he told her his name?
How did she know?
“I didn’t say….” And her smile vanished completely once she realized he’d recognized her.
Fucking hell. What had he got himself mixed up in?
Jared had plenty of time to think about what Sam had said when he went back inside. Jensen was with Jack and, though he was more than a little worried about Jack’s emotional state, he knew better than to eavesdrop on whatever was going on with the two of them. No matter how much he wanted to stand outside the heavy drape of that curtain, or sit on the ground with his ear to the cloth, he had enough self control to stay away.
His eyes kept being drawn to the alcove, but what his eyes were prevented from seeing his imagination crafted, painted images of things he didn’t want to see or believe.
He sat blindly in front of the television – volume muted so that he could hear if Jensen needed help….
This place was driving him insane.
He’d expected to pass out, but he hadn’t. He’d drifted, semi aware of where he was, who he was with. By the time they’d arrived at their destination he was almost in control of his body again.
Almost.
That was how the woman was able to lead him into the apartment with him not putting up any resistance. She could’ve killed him and he wouldn’t have raised a hand to stop her.
“Don’t panic Dr Morgan. I’m not a psychopath. I’ve not brought you here to kill you.”
And there was the redheaded bitch he was familiar with, and she was reading his fucking mind. “You’re Metcalfe’s secretary. Sally? Sandy?”
“Try Sarah.”
She pushed him down onto a sofa. It was reassuring being closer to the ground as his head was spinning, threatening to divorce his shoulders. She pulled a wooden chair over from the dining table and sat opposite him. “I apologize now for the monster hangover you’re going to have in the morning. Oh, and for the disappointment you must’ve been feeling when you realized you weren’t getting laid tonight.”
Jeff had never felt less like fucking someone. Woman would probably castrate him while he was trying to get the condom on. “What do you want?”
“I want your help.”
Jeff wasn’t sure what expression he’d been showing her but she pouted, fake humor oozing through every word. “Oh, don’t be like that, you’ll hurt my feelings.”
He tried to stand. At least he thought he did. That was why she was pushing him back down on to the sofa, frown distorting her beauty as she smoothed out the creases in her skirt. Nice skirt. Covering awesome legs that went all the way up to …. Oh. Yeah.
His face hurt. Had he fallen? Had his face hit the floor? Had she hit him?
Once she was sure he was focused on her face she began talking again. “I need your help, Dr Morgan. I belong to an organization that isn’t particularly fond of the things that are happening in the Center.”
Jeff wasn’t surprised now. Really wasn’t. It all came down to that place. It was determined to destroy him. “There are a lot of people who aren’t fond of what happens at the Center.” He muttered, but she heard him.
“Yeah. And I think you’re one of them.”
Jeff looked at her then, closely. She wasn’t some bright eyed innocent intent on swaying him to her cause. She had the presence of someone who’d been places and seen things that’d haunt you. It was her eyes that gave her away as anything other than a beautiful twentysomething. Secretary to an asshole who had let his position go to her head.
“You’ve been working for Metcalfe for five months.”
She nodded, hair tumbling down to curtain her face as she removed the clip that’d been holding it up. “The man’s a bastard. His last secretary couldn’t stand the sight of him, was more than grateful for the job offer that got her out.”
“You got her to leave?”
“Her departure was convenient.”
A thought struck Jeff then. The fire at the clinic had been started by someone who had worked there, someone who had known the way the place worked. “Are you planning on burning the place down?”
She laughed. “Oh I’d love to, I really would. But I’m more interested in getting the men you have imprisoned there out.”
Jeff thought out loud, “We have four gestates in confinement at the moment.”
“I know.”
“You can’t get all of them out. Not them and the men that are with them.”
She crossed her legs, leaning a little forward. There was no flirtation there at all and Jeff wasn’t tempted to take his eyes away from her face. “Doctor, doctor, doctor. Don’t tell me I can’t do things. My husband long since gave up trying to do that.”
Jeff was stunned that there was a husband, guy must either be as hard as nails or a glutton for punishment. He had Jeff’s sympathy.
“Besides,” she continued, “with your help, I’m sure we can think of something.”
Maybe things would have been easier if she’d killed him.
Jared watched Jensen sleep.
It’d been the first night that they’d been together when he hadn’t initiated sex and, though Jensen had been surprised, he hadn’t said anything. He’d just folded in on himself, back turned to Jared as he’d closed his eyes.
Jared had no doubt whatsoever that Jensen had feigned sleep initially, his body held too tensely for him to be anything other than awake, but eventually, an hour or so after he’d closed his eyes, his body relaxed, sleep finally claiming him.
Jared walked round the bed and studied Jensen’s face, pushing his hair back gently off his forehead, curling it gently round his ear. His cheekbones were too pronounced, the shadows under his eyes were too dark.
Breakdown, that’s what Sam had said and Jared just hadn’t seen it, hadn’t wanted to. A breakdown was something he couldn’t fix, he didn’t know how.
Jared went back to the side of the bed that had become his and settled in, under the covers, back propped up against the headboard. He turned Jensen’s unresisting body towards him and rested his head on his lap. Jensen didn’t wake, exhaustion too great, but it was only a matter of time before those eyes opened. He never got more than an hour or two before the nightmares came to torment him.
Jared ran his hand down Jensen’s back, offering comfort, physical contact that Jensen didn’t seem to welcome when he was awake. It wasn’t long before Jensen’s brow creased and the rate of his breathing increased.
He touched Jensen’s forehead gently with his thumb, smoothing out the furrows. “Shhhhh…” Jensen moved slightly, a whimper escaping from his mouth. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Jared sank down further into the bed, Jensen’s head now resting against his chest. “Ssssh… You need to sleep. It’s okay. I’ll look after you…”
Jensen settled a little, but Jared didn’t stop stroking and whispering to him. Eventually, though, despite his best intentions, his own eyes slipped closed and he slept.
…
The first thing Jared saw when he opened his eyes was green. Jensen stared back at him, bottom lip already being teased by sharp teeth.
“Good morning.” Jared reached out and rubbed his thumb over Jensen’s frown of confusion. His eyebrows rose in response.
“I thought I dreamed that.”
Jared blushed. “Sorry. That was me.” Jensen nodded, and, sat up, pulling himself away from Jared’s body, but not leaving the bed. “Did you get much sleep last night?”
Jensen nodded, “Some. Jared, why didn’t we have sex last night?”
Jared sat up, careful not to lean too close to Jensen, but fully aware that Jensen was inching closer and closer to the edge of the bed, “You were tired.”
“So?”
Jared hated that Jensen was so confused by Jared choosing to place a simple need, the need for Jensen to rest, ahead of the nightly coupling that had become expected whenever they shared a bed. He had fucked up so badly. He sighed, “So, I thought you getting some sleep was more important.”
Silence, Jensen turned away and there was no expression to read. Whatever was showing on Jensen’s face the man was hiding it.
Jared noticed, abstractedly, that Jensen’s hair was beginning to curl against his neck, the short style he’d been wearing when he arrived was growing out. It made Jensen look younger…
When Jensen turned back to face him there was nothing more than the familiar resignation on his face. “Do you want sex now?”
“Do you?” Jared had to ask the question. He hoped that Jensen hadn’t noticed the condition he’d woken up in, because he was losing the mood pretty quickly.
“You know what I want doesn’t matter.” There was anger in each bitten off word and part of Jared was glad, glad that there was some emotion in there, some passion.
“Right now, to me, it does. Do you want sex?” He kept his voice quiet, only loud enough for the man who was sitting on the bed to hear it.
“No.”
Jared smiled, “Then we’re not having sex.”
Jared didn’t miss that bewilderment once again crossed Jensen’s face before he reined it in, held it back. Jensen’s eyes wouldn’t remain focused on him. They flittered round the room, looking for distraction. Looking anywhere but at Jared, though Jared wasn’t looking anywhere other than at the man who sat in front of him. “I think we need to talk.”
“About what?” Jensen was staring at the floor as he spat out the words. The anger obviously building.
Jensen was angry. Jared had to convince himself that this was a good thing. It meant he was letting himself feel something other than misery, desolation and that fucking awful resignation.
Anger!
Yes Jensen, feel angry.
Feel alive.
Jared tried to sound calm even though the adrenaline had already begun to flow through his own veins. Taking flight and fighting were things he didn’t want to have to consider. “About what’s going on with you. In your head. What you think about things. How you feel.”
Jensen still wasn’t looking at him. He was staring at his hands that were lying unnaturally still on the bed between them. “You a shrink Jared? I didn’t know that. Had one before I came in here. Have to say you’re lousy at the job.”
“I’m not a shrink, but I have ears. I can listen, and you need to talk. You need to tell someone about how this is affecting you.”
“You think that’s you…?” Jensen’s voice was quieter now, though the tone was no less bitter.
“I want it to be.”
Jensen looked up at him. Looked into him. It felt almost like a physical blow. “Not everything in this life is about you getting what you want Jared.”
Jared almost backed down, his resolve wavering at the intensity he saw in Jensen’s eyes, the curl of his lip, the disgust and hatred that dripped from every word. But it wasn’t really directed at him. This was how Jensen felt towards himself and it was destroying him. “Isn’t it? It’s why you agreed to let me make you come isn’t it? You thought you were doing me a favor?” And Jared hated the fact that he knew it was true. That he’d allowed Jensen to make it easier for him while simultaneously making things even more difficult for himself.
Jensen didn’t reply, but his jaw clenched like he was holding back what he was going to say, like he was afraid to give voice to what he really thought.
“I want you to take pleasure from sex because you want it. Not for me. You shouldn’t’ve done that for me.” Jared struggled to even feign the calmness that had deserted him.
“Made you feel better about fucking me didn’t it?”
Jared listened to the words, not the scathing, accusing tone Jensen had used to say them. That was what it was about. Jensen putting someone else first. Always someone else.
Jared couldn’t deny it. “That’s beside the point.”
“Is it? Why?”
The pain Jared could see contorting Jensen’s face, the anger that had been replaced by despair, prompted him to stretch out his arm, try to reach for the smaller man. Offer more of the comfort he’d been able to give while Jensen slept. But Jensen pulled away, backed up against the wall while Jared let his hands drop back into his lap. A little closer but not within arms reach.
“I wanted you to feel good. I wanted to make what’s happening in here easier for you.”
Jensen flipped again, despair back to anger. “Easier. Easier Jared. How the hell could this get any easier? I’m having sex every day with men I didn’t even know three weeks ago. I’m not gay. Never was. But now, apparently, I’m going to keep on having sex with men so that I can get pregnant and have babies I don’t want.”
Jared wanted to say something, anything to calm Jensen down, but he didn’t know what he could say. Besides, Jensen hadn’t finished yet.
“Parenthood shouldn’t be forced on a person, it should be a choice. I never chose this. A baby wouldn’t get anything from me. Would be better off not having me as a parent.”
Jared knew where that belief came from, knew which nightmare prompted it. “You don’t mean that.”
“Don’t you dare tell me what I don’t mean. Don’t you fucking dare.”
Jared doubted that Jensen even noticed the tears that were slipping down his face, didn’t notice the blood welling up between his fingers as his fingernails sank into the soft flesh of his palm.
“What if you’re already pregnant? Are you saying you wouldn’t want to keep it?”
Jensen whirled, face frozen. Shocked, hurt. “I won’t kill it.”
It was Jared’s turn to feel confused. He’d never suggested Jensen would harm his child. “What does that mean, you won’t kill it?”
“I won’t do what I did last time.”
“But you didn’t know you were pregnant, you weren’t trying to kill her. You were …” He didn’t say the rest out loud. Trying to kill yourself, played through his mind and the words rang true. Jensen had been trying to kill himself and the only reason he wouldn’t try now, the only reason, was because he didn’t know whether he’d be taking someone else with him.
“You are not responsible for what happened to you or your daughter. You were a victim. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I didn’t tell anyone.” The anger had deserted him now and sorrow wasn’t enough to keep him on his feet.
As Jensen sank down, to the floor, Jared moved, wrapped himself round the weeping man who made no attempt to escape the contact. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“She wouldn’t have died if I’d told someone.”
“Not your fault.”
“I …”
“No. It’s not your fault, Jensen. It’s not.”
“Then why am I being punished?”
And Jared had no words. He held him close, kissed his hair, and rocked him. Jared felt the sobs that wracked the smaller body, felt the hot tears as they fell down his neck, and held on tighter. He wasn’t going to let go, wasn’t going to let Jensen ignore the pain that was bottled up inside anymore.
When the tears stopped, finally, Jensen slept.
Part 14
A/N: It seems, when I post late, you get an extra 1000 words. Must mean I feel guilty! With this post the word count for this story goes beyond 30,000 words. Thank you for all of your kind words and encouragement. I'm so grateful you're all still interested. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-15 09:18 pm (UTC)::pumps fist:: YESSSS!
Also, how'd Jared get so smart so fast. Boy's got instincts, if he'd just use them. It makes me happy that he's trying.
Oh but, once we get all the confinees out, can we puleeeeeze blow up the Center? That footage of Manticore burning is just.so.inspiring!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-16 06:39 pm (UTC)