Perfecting the Man - 5
Feb. 21st, 2012 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hemrageRETURN TO PART FOUR
Lying on his side, Jensen’s back flush against his chest, Chris held Jensen close, afraid the dream would disappear if he let it go. He kissed the spot behind Jensen’s ear. “I love you.”
“You’ve said that before.”
Chris smiled, kissing the back of Jensen’s neck before repeating those three words. "I didn't think you heard me."
Jensen pushed back, tried to get impossibly closer as Chris' hands kept him in place. "I wasn't sure what I heard, but... but I think it was your voice. It was wasn’t it? You said it in the hospital."
Chris’ heart swelled. He kissed him again. "I did."
“Don’t.” Jensen grasped Chris’ hand and tried to pull away. “You mustn't say it. Not if you don’t mean it.”
Chris tightened his hold. “Why would I say it if I don’t mean it?”
“Jeff says it.”
Chris stilled, thoughts of Jeff not wanted while he held Jensen in his arms, but there was something going on here. Something important. “Of course he says it, he means it, too.” Jensen fell into silence then and Chris worried that he’d said something wrong. “You don’t believe it do you?”
Again Jensen didn’t respond so Chris moved, rolled Jensen onto his back so he could see his tear streaked face. “You have to know he loves you, Jen.”
“If he loved me… If he loved me you wouldn’t be here.” Jensen rubbed the tears away, embarrassed by their existence. They weren’t the furious tears of grief he’d been keeping locked away, these were gentler, quieter, and they broke Chris’ heart. “I couldn’t keep his baby safe. I couldn’t keep him safe. My Jamie. Wasn’t strong enough. So now he wants you to give me children. Doesn't trust me with his.”
“No. No, no, no, no, no." He stroked Jensen's cheek, brushed the tears away. "He’s never going to stop loving you. I’m here because he didn’t want you to be alone. It kills him to share you with me but he's willing because he knows I love you and would look after you. Never doubt his love Jensen. Don’t.”
He pulled Jensen back against his body. Ignored the erection that nestled against the divot at the top of Jensen’s spine and willed his life to be simpler.
Adam Connors had looked diminished in the court room, diminished and inextricably small. You couldn’t do what he had, attempt to kill a pregnant fenom, and keep your friends on side. No one thought the trial was going to last long, there was no doubt of his guilt and no amount of money or influence was going to get him out of a guilty verdict.
The prosecution had a list of witnesses whose testimony was going to take up a lot of court time, the defence had very few. Connors refused to testify for himself, but there was a doctor who was willing to testify on Connors’ behalf. He was willing to talk about the man’s poor mental health and Jeff could see them heading towards a plea of temporary insanity … but Jeff knew the man hadn’t been insane. He’d been envious and angry and had decided to destroy what he considered his rather than see someone else with it.
Damn, it made Jensen sound like a commodity, but it was the way it was. Connors was an evil man and Jeff should’ve known, should’ve known he wasn’t going to back down just because he’d lost the fight.
Jeff had failed Jensen because he hadn’t taken his threat more seriously. Hadn’t seen that he was even more dangerous once he’d been told ‘no’.
Jeff had failed Jensen but he wouldn’t fail him again. This trial was going to be won and Connors would be a very sorry footnote on their lives. He’d be consigned to history, a bad memory, and Jensen would be safe.
He sat in the bar opposite the court and asked himself why he was delaying the return home. It was a foolish question, he already knew the answer.
Jensen had withdrawn from him and though last night had been just as passionate as nature demanded, three weeks into seclusion he knew Jensen’s heart wasn’t in it. Yes, there was still grief, but he also knew his Mate was pulling back from him specifically. Sam had told him the blame didn’t lie with him, but even Jensen could see that it did. Jensen blamed him for Jamie’s death and it was only a matter of time before he told him so. Before the emotions he’d been keeping bottled up inside broke free – and Jeff was scared of that confrontation. Of Jensen’s accusations and declarations of hatred.
He was so grateful for Chris. Glad that Chris would take care of the boy. Chris loved him and Jensen would learn to love Chris back, if he hadn’t already. It was what needed to happen, Jeff just needed to give their bond a chance to develop and then, even if Jeff was left a heartbroken mess, Jensen and Chris would be happy with each other.
He swallowed his third drink since he’d sat down, and ordered another. It was going to be a long night.
She'd planned an early night, curled up with the last few chapters of the book that had had her on tenterhooks, but she'd allowed herself to get distracted by Chris when he'd called down to see if Jeff was home, or if he'd called to say why he was going to be late - again.
There'd been no point in lying. Jeff was already home. She'd helped him to bed an hour earlier so he could sleep it off.
"He's giving up, Sam."
She wasn’t sure who Chris was referring to, Jeff or Jensen, but as she figured it applied to both she wasn’t about to ask. They both knew what was going on. Grief and misplaced guilt was threatening to destroy any relationship Jeff and Jensen had built. "Jensen asleep?" She idly flicked through the pages of her book. She wasn't going to find out how it ended tonight.
"Yeah. He... Hell Sam. He's convinced Jeff's handing him over to me."
"Well he is."
"What?"
Sam sighed, she couldn’t believe how blind her boys were sometimes. "Don't you see? While you're in there Jeff knows Jensen's needs are being catered for. While you’re there he has the perfect excuse not to be."
She waited for Chris to compose himself from the other side of the com link. Accept what she was implying. "So... So I have to come out?"
"That's up to you."
Chris laughed, but she knew he wasn't happy. "I'll be out of here tomorrow morning."
Jensen ached. When Chris had left that morning he hadn't really thought much of it, expecting to be joined by Jeff soon after, but there was no sign of him.
No sign of either of them.
He knew his inability to focus, the discomfort that was turning into a very physical pain, was the heralding of a withdrawal far worse than anything he'd experienced before.
Climbing out of his third shower of the day he retreated to the kitchen, tempted to call Sam, ask her if she knew where either Jeff or Chris were. Ask her if she knew why he'd been left alone when the whole point of inviting Chris into the relationship had been to - supposedly - save him from this.
Fuck them and their lies.
Neither Chris nor Jeff wanted him.
He looked down at his body, looked at the scars that would always be with him.
He was ugly. He was damaged goods. Jeff couldn't bear to be with him and Chris' arrangement with Jeff - whatever it was - hadn't been enough to make Chris want to stay with him either. Jeff obviously wasn't paying him enough.
He shook. The idea that Chris had been paid to be with him, to service him, made his stomach heave and he rushed back into the bathroom just in time to relieve himself of the breakfast he'd forced down once he'd been left alone.
His reflection mocked him from his position on the floor. The green eyed boy looked wild and lost and he hated him.
The face disappearing as the glass shattered did nothing to quell the overwhelming anger that consumed him.
The dressing that covered Connors' face and the way he was dragging his leg as he moved was evidence enough that the rumor of an assault in prison was so much more than hearsay. But the bastard was still walking so the disgruntled prisoner who'd cornered him while the guards had been 'distracted' obviously hadn't done a good enough job. Wouldn't even get the chance now, though, since the defense counsel had stated that for the remainder of his incarceration - however long that turned out to be - Connors would have to be kept in isolation, away from those prisoners who may take offence at the crime he was alleged to have committed.
Alleged!
Jeff was almost certain the judge had already made his mind up. How could he not have? The lack of defense witnesses - the doctor's testimony already being discredited - meant a conviction was almost guaranteed. Would a sentence carried out in isolation be harder than one mixed up with the rest of the prison population?
Maybe the guards could become 'distracted' again and allow some 'interaction' between Connors and his fellow convicts.
Jeff could but hope.
Once he left the courthouse he spent a pleasant hour in the bar, chatting to the barman who was becoming something akin to a friend, they'd seen so much of each other.
He stayed until he was pleasantly numb, and then ventured homeward, determined to avoid Jensen and Chris just a little while longer. As much as he tried to convince himself that it was good the two younger men were together, it still hurt.
As the cab pulled away from the house he staggered round to the back, fighting with the lining of his pants to get his key out of his pocket. Once he'd won the battle with the linen he struggled to fit the unruly piece of metal into the lock of the kitchen door in the gloom. As it scraped against the metal of the lock the door moved, swinging violently open, Sam appearing immobile in the opening.
"What the..."
"Don't you fucking, what the, with me. Where the hell have you been?"
Sam dragged him into the house with a grip that would no doubt leave bruises when he checked the next day. He moved unsteadily, leaning against the wall as she locked the door - her final ritual of the night. Guiding him to a seat as a mug of coffee miraculously appeared in front of him.
"Drink it."
There were no smiles. Sam was mad and a mad Sam was not to be argued with.
He drank the coffee. It was hot and strong and bitter and he was sure it was burning as he swallowed. One more pain to worry about tomorrow when his head and gut ganged up on him.
The mug was refilled as soon as it was empty.
"Just let me go to bed. Sleep it off."
"You need to go up to Jensen."
He shook his head. “Nah.”
“He needs you.”
That didn't make sense. “Why would he...”
"Because he's going through withdrawal, you idiot."
It took a while for that to register. It shouldn't have been possible. "Where's Chris?"
The mug was refilled again. "Gone. Since this morning. And he won't be back for a couple of days."
Jeff filled the next mug himself.
The place looked like a very selective bomb had gone off. Furniture was overturned, things that belonged on shelves and in cupboards lay haphazardly on the floor - but returning everything to where it belonged, to how it belonged, would not be difficult.
It also wasn’t important.
Jeff navigated his way round the apartment, hearing Jensen before he saw him.
His Mate was surrounded by books and had obviously sought distraction in the printed word, but they'd failed to engage him. Failed to pull him out of the real world and into some fantasy and they'd paid the price, forfeiting pristine pages for ones that were torn, crumpled and loose.
Tear tracks didn't mar Jensen's beauty, but Jensen refused to raise his eyes as Jeff approached. Arms wrapped round his stomach, he stared at the floor.
"Jen?"
Jensen refused to respond to him but he had to have heard. Had to have. Squatting down Jeff grasped fingers and drew his lover up onto his feet.
He led him towards the bedroom and Jensen meekly followed. There was no resistance. Damn Chris and whatever made him leave. The man was meant to prevent this. This shouldn't be happening.
Lying him down onto their bed he heard Jensen's voice for the first time since entering the apartment. "Hurts."
"I know baby, I know. I'm gonna fix that right now."
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made it so you can’t love me anymore. I’m sorry.”
Jeff stilled Jensen’s words with his fingers, with his mouth. “I love you. I love you more than you can ever know. It’s me who should be sorry.”
And Jeff set about proving to Jensen exactly how much he was loved.
"So how long before he comes out, you reckon?"
Sam looked across at Chris, her book resting on her lap. "If he knows what's good for I'm he'll be in there at least until you get back from your unexpected trip."
Chris dropped onto the chair next to her, gazed out of her bedroom window. "They're gonna hate me."
She slapped him, "They are not. I mean, they won't be happy, but you'll be forgiven."
She waited for what he was going to say next. He was a good boy and she didn't doubt what was going through his head.
"I was kinda hoping they'd be out by now. That Jensen would already be pregnant.” The fact that he was hoping the child would be his remained unsaid. “But then he wouldn't be needing Jeff would he?"
"You feeling guilty about that?"
He nodded.
"Good. Now go away. I want to finish this," she waved her book in his face, "and you need a better distraction than I can offer you."
She ignored the kiss Chris dropped on to the top of her head and his softly spoken thank you in favor of focusing on the reveal of the killer, the identity of which had been driving her crazy since the discovery of the first body on page fourteen.
"Damn. Never would've guessed she'd done it."
Once Chris left the room she sat back, gazed out of the window herself and wondered what the coming days would bring. She loved her boys, all three of them, and couldn’t bear the idea of losing any of them … but there was a chance she would. A chance that the tenuous links that made them all family weren’t strong enough to keep them together.
Chris stood in the open doorway, looked at the way Jensen was curled into Jeff's body. If he could get beyond the fact that his heart was shattered he could admit it was a beautiful sight.
Three days he'd left them. Three days and he'd found every minute of that time painful. He hadn't gone to Lena, though he'd been sorely tempted. But he wasn’t prepared for the sympathy or the ‘I told you sos’ she’d be delivering. Instead he found himself tracking Jensen’s friends down to a bar more than five hundred miles away, and listening to them play while he’d been fending off barbs and fists Steve was determined to throw at him.
Part of Steve’s problem – most of it actually – had been because he hadn't been able to see Jensen since his hospitalization. Even though that had been more at Jensen’s insistence rather than anyone else’s, Chris could understand where he was coming from and allowed himself to be used as a way for the man to vent his frustration.
It was good to spend time with people who loved Jensen. But the need to get back to him was overwhelming. Jensen could've been out of seclusion already. Pregnant with Jeff's child and a one-time opportunity would've been missed.
Sam had reassured him, though, as soon as he set foot back into the house that Jensen had yet to conceive, and here he was.
Wondering what the fuck he was doing staring at Jeff and Jensen so comfortable with each other. He didn't belong here, with them. Jeff's foolhardy notion of bringing someone else into seclusion was pointless. Jensen and Jeff were together again in every way they needed to be and Chris didn't belong.
"Hey." Chris wasn’t sure when he’d closed his eyes but he had to have because he hadn’t been sure who’d spoken that soft acknowledgment. He’d left his retreat too late and when he opened his eyes two sets were looking back at him.
He was intruding, he had to leave.
"Wait." Chris shook his head, wanted to ignore Jensen even as Jeff removed his arms from around him, allowing Jensen to climb off the bed and step towards him. "Where do you think you're going? You know you're stuck with me, don't you?"
Chris, confused, looked towards Jeff only to see a smile in response. “You heard him. You belong here. I’m going to kick your ass as soon as we get out of here for leaving, but I know why you did it. We both do.”
Chris allowed Jensen to drag him into a kiss, and in the time it took to pull himself away Jeff was standing next to him, in a robe.
“I think I’ll leave you two alone to get reacquainted.” Jeff kissed Jensen’s nose and stepped past Chris.
“Are you sure?”
Jensen smiled. “You said you loved me. You don’t get to take it back so easily.”
Lying on his side, Jensen’s back flush against his chest, Chris held Jensen close, afraid the dream would disappear if he let it go. He kissed the spot behind Jensen’s ear. “I love you.”
“You’ve said that before.”
Chris smiled, kissing the back of Jensen’s neck before repeating those three words. "I didn't think you heard me."
Jensen pushed back, tried to get impossibly closer as Chris' hands kept him in place. "I wasn't sure what I heard, but... but I think it was your voice. It was wasn’t it? You said it in the hospital."
Chris’ heart swelled. He kissed him again. "I did."
“Don’t.” Jensen grasped Chris’ hand and tried to pull away. “You mustn't say it. Not if you don’t mean it.”
Chris tightened his hold. “Why would I say it if I don’t mean it?”
“Jeff says it.”
Chris stilled, thoughts of Jeff not wanted while he held Jensen in his arms, but there was something going on here. Something important. “Of course he says it, he means it, too.” Jensen fell into silence then and Chris worried that he’d said something wrong. “You don’t believe it do you?”
Again Jensen didn’t respond so Chris moved, rolled Jensen onto his back so he could see his tear streaked face. “You have to know he loves you, Jen.”
“If he loved me… If he loved me you wouldn’t be here.” Jensen rubbed the tears away, embarrassed by their existence. They weren’t the furious tears of grief he’d been keeping locked away, these were gentler, quieter, and they broke Chris’ heart. “I couldn’t keep his baby safe. I couldn’t keep him safe. My Jamie. Wasn’t strong enough. So now he wants you to give me children. Doesn't trust me with his.”
“No. No, no, no, no, no." He stroked Jensen's cheek, brushed the tears away. "He’s never going to stop loving you. I’m here because he didn’t want you to be alone. It kills him to share you with me but he's willing because he knows I love you and would look after you. Never doubt his love Jensen. Don’t.”
He pulled Jensen back against his body. Ignored the erection that nestled against the divot at the top of Jensen’s spine and willed his life to be simpler.
Adam Connors had looked diminished in the court room, diminished and inextricably small. You couldn’t do what he had, attempt to kill a pregnant fenom, and keep your friends on side. No one thought the trial was going to last long, there was no doubt of his guilt and no amount of money or influence was going to get him out of a guilty verdict.
The prosecution had a list of witnesses whose testimony was going to take up a lot of court time, the defence had very few. Connors refused to testify for himself, but there was a doctor who was willing to testify on Connors’ behalf. He was willing to talk about the man’s poor mental health and Jeff could see them heading towards a plea of temporary insanity … but Jeff knew the man hadn’t been insane. He’d been envious and angry and had decided to destroy what he considered his rather than see someone else with it.
Damn, it made Jensen sound like a commodity, but it was the way it was. Connors was an evil man and Jeff should’ve known, should’ve known he wasn’t going to back down just because he’d lost the fight.
Jeff had failed Jensen because he hadn’t taken his threat more seriously. Hadn’t seen that he was even more dangerous once he’d been told ‘no’.
Jeff had failed Jensen but he wouldn’t fail him again. This trial was going to be won and Connors would be a very sorry footnote on their lives. He’d be consigned to history, a bad memory, and Jensen would be safe.
He sat in the bar opposite the court and asked himself why he was delaying the return home. It was a foolish question, he already knew the answer.
Jensen had withdrawn from him and though last night had been just as passionate as nature demanded, three weeks into seclusion he knew Jensen’s heart wasn’t in it. Yes, there was still grief, but he also knew his Mate was pulling back from him specifically. Sam had told him the blame didn’t lie with him, but even Jensen could see that it did. Jensen blamed him for Jamie’s death and it was only a matter of time before he told him so. Before the emotions he’d been keeping bottled up inside broke free – and Jeff was scared of that confrontation. Of Jensen’s accusations and declarations of hatred.
He was so grateful for Chris. Glad that Chris would take care of the boy. Chris loved him and Jensen would learn to love Chris back, if he hadn’t already. It was what needed to happen, Jeff just needed to give their bond a chance to develop and then, even if Jeff was left a heartbroken mess, Jensen and Chris would be happy with each other.
He swallowed his third drink since he’d sat down, and ordered another. It was going to be a long night.
She'd planned an early night, curled up with the last few chapters of the book that had had her on tenterhooks, but she'd allowed herself to get distracted by Chris when he'd called down to see if Jeff was home, or if he'd called to say why he was going to be late - again.
There'd been no point in lying. Jeff was already home. She'd helped him to bed an hour earlier so he could sleep it off.
"He's giving up, Sam."
She wasn’t sure who Chris was referring to, Jeff or Jensen, but as she figured it applied to both she wasn’t about to ask. They both knew what was going on. Grief and misplaced guilt was threatening to destroy any relationship Jeff and Jensen had built. "Jensen asleep?" She idly flicked through the pages of her book. She wasn't going to find out how it ended tonight.
"Yeah. He... Hell Sam. He's convinced Jeff's handing him over to me."
"Well he is."
"What?"
Sam sighed, she couldn’t believe how blind her boys were sometimes. "Don't you see? While you're in there Jeff knows Jensen's needs are being catered for. While you’re there he has the perfect excuse not to be."
She waited for Chris to compose himself from the other side of the com link. Accept what she was implying. "So... So I have to come out?"
"That's up to you."
Chris laughed, but she knew he wasn't happy. "I'll be out of here tomorrow morning."
Jensen ached. When Chris had left that morning he hadn't really thought much of it, expecting to be joined by Jeff soon after, but there was no sign of him.
No sign of either of them.
He knew his inability to focus, the discomfort that was turning into a very physical pain, was the heralding of a withdrawal far worse than anything he'd experienced before.
Climbing out of his third shower of the day he retreated to the kitchen, tempted to call Sam, ask her if she knew where either Jeff or Chris were. Ask her if she knew why he'd been left alone when the whole point of inviting Chris into the relationship had been to - supposedly - save him from this.
Fuck them and their lies.
Neither Chris nor Jeff wanted him.
He looked down at his body, looked at the scars that would always be with him.
He was ugly. He was damaged goods. Jeff couldn't bear to be with him and Chris' arrangement with Jeff - whatever it was - hadn't been enough to make Chris want to stay with him either. Jeff obviously wasn't paying him enough.
He shook. The idea that Chris had been paid to be with him, to service him, made his stomach heave and he rushed back into the bathroom just in time to relieve himself of the breakfast he'd forced down once he'd been left alone.
His reflection mocked him from his position on the floor. The green eyed boy looked wild and lost and he hated him.
The face disappearing as the glass shattered did nothing to quell the overwhelming anger that consumed him.
The dressing that covered Connors' face and the way he was dragging his leg as he moved was evidence enough that the rumor of an assault in prison was so much more than hearsay. But the bastard was still walking so the disgruntled prisoner who'd cornered him while the guards had been 'distracted' obviously hadn't done a good enough job. Wouldn't even get the chance now, though, since the defense counsel had stated that for the remainder of his incarceration - however long that turned out to be - Connors would have to be kept in isolation, away from those prisoners who may take offence at the crime he was alleged to have committed.
Alleged!
Jeff was almost certain the judge had already made his mind up. How could he not have? The lack of defense witnesses - the doctor's testimony already being discredited - meant a conviction was almost guaranteed. Would a sentence carried out in isolation be harder than one mixed up with the rest of the prison population?
Maybe the guards could become 'distracted' again and allow some 'interaction' between Connors and his fellow convicts.
Jeff could but hope.
Once he left the courthouse he spent a pleasant hour in the bar, chatting to the barman who was becoming something akin to a friend, they'd seen so much of each other.
He stayed until he was pleasantly numb, and then ventured homeward, determined to avoid Jensen and Chris just a little while longer. As much as he tried to convince himself that it was good the two younger men were together, it still hurt.
As the cab pulled away from the house he staggered round to the back, fighting with the lining of his pants to get his key out of his pocket. Once he'd won the battle with the linen he struggled to fit the unruly piece of metal into the lock of the kitchen door in the gloom. As it scraped against the metal of the lock the door moved, swinging violently open, Sam appearing immobile in the opening.
"What the..."
"Don't you fucking, what the, with me. Where the hell have you been?"
Sam dragged him into the house with a grip that would no doubt leave bruises when he checked the next day. He moved unsteadily, leaning against the wall as she locked the door - her final ritual of the night. Guiding him to a seat as a mug of coffee miraculously appeared in front of him.
"Drink it."
There were no smiles. Sam was mad and a mad Sam was not to be argued with.
He drank the coffee. It was hot and strong and bitter and he was sure it was burning as he swallowed. One more pain to worry about tomorrow when his head and gut ganged up on him.
The mug was refilled as soon as it was empty.
"Just let me go to bed. Sleep it off."
"You need to go up to Jensen."
He shook his head. “Nah.”
“He needs you.”
That didn't make sense. “Why would he...”
"Because he's going through withdrawal, you idiot."
It took a while for that to register. It shouldn't have been possible. "Where's Chris?"
The mug was refilled again. "Gone. Since this morning. And he won't be back for a couple of days."
Jeff filled the next mug himself.
The place looked like a very selective bomb had gone off. Furniture was overturned, things that belonged on shelves and in cupboards lay haphazardly on the floor - but returning everything to where it belonged, to how it belonged, would not be difficult.
It also wasn’t important.
Jeff navigated his way round the apartment, hearing Jensen before he saw him.
His Mate was surrounded by books and had obviously sought distraction in the printed word, but they'd failed to engage him. Failed to pull him out of the real world and into some fantasy and they'd paid the price, forfeiting pristine pages for ones that were torn, crumpled and loose.
Tear tracks didn't mar Jensen's beauty, but Jensen refused to raise his eyes as Jeff approached. Arms wrapped round his stomach, he stared at the floor.
"Jen?"
Jensen refused to respond to him but he had to have heard. Had to have. Squatting down Jeff grasped fingers and drew his lover up onto his feet.
He led him towards the bedroom and Jensen meekly followed. There was no resistance. Damn Chris and whatever made him leave. The man was meant to prevent this. This shouldn't be happening.
Lying him down onto their bed he heard Jensen's voice for the first time since entering the apartment. "Hurts."
"I know baby, I know. I'm gonna fix that right now."
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made it so you can’t love me anymore. I’m sorry.”
Jeff stilled Jensen’s words with his fingers, with his mouth. “I love you. I love you more than you can ever know. It’s me who should be sorry.”
And Jeff set about proving to Jensen exactly how much he was loved.
"So how long before he comes out, you reckon?"
Sam looked across at Chris, her book resting on her lap. "If he knows what's good for I'm he'll be in there at least until you get back from your unexpected trip."
Chris dropped onto the chair next to her, gazed out of her bedroom window. "They're gonna hate me."
She slapped him, "They are not. I mean, they won't be happy, but you'll be forgiven."
She waited for what he was going to say next. He was a good boy and she didn't doubt what was going through his head.
"I was kinda hoping they'd be out by now. That Jensen would already be pregnant.” The fact that he was hoping the child would be his remained unsaid. “But then he wouldn't be needing Jeff would he?"
"You feeling guilty about that?"
He nodded.
"Good. Now go away. I want to finish this," she waved her book in his face, "and you need a better distraction than I can offer you."
She ignored the kiss Chris dropped on to the top of her head and his softly spoken thank you in favor of focusing on the reveal of the killer, the identity of which had been driving her crazy since the discovery of the first body on page fourteen.
"Damn. Never would've guessed she'd done it."
Once Chris left the room she sat back, gazed out of the window herself and wondered what the coming days would bring. She loved her boys, all three of them, and couldn’t bear the idea of losing any of them … but there was a chance she would. A chance that the tenuous links that made them all family weren’t strong enough to keep them together.
Chris stood in the open doorway, looked at the way Jensen was curled into Jeff's body. If he could get beyond the fact that his heart was shattered he could admit it was a beautiful sight.
Three days he'd left them. Three days and he'd found every minute of that time painful. He hadn't gone to Lena, though he'd been sorely tempted. But he wasn’t prepared for the sympathy or the ‘I told you sos’ she’d be delivering. Instead he found himself tracking Jensen’s friends down to a bar more than five hundred miles away, and listening to them play while he’d been fending off barbs and fists Steve was determined to throw at him.
Part of Steve’s problem – most of it actually – had been because he hadn't been able to see Jensen since his hospitalization. Even though that had been more at Jensen’s insistence rather than anyone else’s, Chris could understand where he was coming from and allowed himself to be used as a way for the man to vent his frustration.
It was good to spend time with people who loved Jensen. But the need to get back to him was overwhelming. Jensen could've been out of seclusion already. Pregnant with Jeff's child and a one-time opportunity would've been missed.
Sam had reassured him, though, as soon as he set foot back into the house that Jensen had yet to conceive, and here he was.
Wondering what the fuck he was doing staring at Jeff and Jensen so comfortable with each other. He didn't belong here, with them. Jeff's foolhardy notion of bringing someone else into seclusion was pointless. Jensen and Jeff were together again in every way they needed to be and Chris didn't belong.
"Hey." Chris wasn’t sure when he’d closed his eyes but he had to have because he hadn’t been sure who’d spoken that soft acknowledgment. He’d left his retreat too late and when he opened his eyes two sets were looking back at him.
He was intruding, he had to leave.
"Wait." Chris shook his head, wanted to ignore Jensen even as Jeff removed his arms from around him, allowing Jensen to climb off the bed and step towards him. "Where do you think you're going? You know you're stuck with me, don't you?"
Chris, confused, looked towards Jeff only to see a smile in response. “You heard him. You belong here. I’m going to kick your ass as soon as we get out of here for leaving, but I know why you did it. We both do.”
Chris allowed Jensen to drag him into a kiss, and in the time it took to pull himself away Jeff was standing next to him, in a robe.
“I think I’ll leave you two alone to get reacquainted.” Jeff kissed Jensen’s nose and stepped past Chris.
“Are you sure?”
Jensen smiled. “You said you loved me. You don’t get to take it back so easily.”
RETURN TO PART FOUR | ON TO THE EPILOGUE
