hemrage

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PART TEN

Jensen had to admit that he was using Dean as a shield. He held the baby in front of him and when the words they said got too painful he focussed on the bundle in his arms instead of what they were saying.

“It isn’t to spite you, Jen. You believe that don’t you?”

Jensen glanced across at Hannah and she turned away, reaching across to grab Josh’s hand. Jensen focussed on that for a little while. Their fingers intertwined, holding on to each other. It was the hand she used to wear his ring on… for a moment he wondered what she’d done with it.

He’d been looking forward to seeing Joshua when he’d called, asked him to come to lunch. The last thing he’d expected had been Hannah sitting by his side.

His Hannah.

Joshua’s Hannah.

She’d let Josh do most of the talking since he’d arrived. When there had been talking. Most of the time there’d been silence. He’d not been able to find the words, not even when his brother had been begging him to say something.

Why were they doing this to him?

He looked around, saw the occasional glance in their direction but nothing alarming. They weren’t standing out, weren’t a spectacle. But they would be if Jensen did what he wanted to. They were in a public place and he was carrying a baby and he couldn’t shout and scream at them. He wanted to. He wanted to. He really wanted to.

“It’s not as if you and Han were ever going to get back together. Jen, please say something.”

Jensen looked at his brother’s anxious face, and then across at Hannah’s guilty one. He still loved her, probably always would, but something had shifted. It wasn’t the image of Joshua with Hannah that hit him, that hurt, it was the realisation that somewhere inside he’d still been holding out hope that he could reclaim what once was his.

How could you get back what wasn’t there anymore?

Dean fussed and as he looked at the little boy in his arms Jensen felt something release its hold on him. Things suddenly didn’t seem as bleak as they had only this morning.

“It’s alright Josh.”

He wasn’t sure who was more surprised by the fact that he meant it.

Jensen didn’t rush home.

It was a lovely day and there was a park next door to the restaurant where he’d had lunch. Josh had offered to give him a ride but Jensen had declined, enjoying his new found serenity too much to return straight away to the restrictions of his home.

“That’s a duck.” He pointed towards the bird on the water, not really caring that Dean was too young to take an interest. “That there, that big white one, that isn’t a duck, but it swims like one doesn’t it? It’s called a swan. D’you see how they’re bigger?”

Jensen laughed, “When you’re older I’ll tell you the story of a baby swan who thought he was a duck. Boy was he confused. He was completely miserable until he found out the truth. That his life wasn’t a harsh place where people treated him badly, it was a place where the future, his future, was so much better than he could ever have imagined. He just had to wait until it was ready for him to claim it.”

He continued talking to the baby, giving him a running commentary on everything he could see, from the teenagers playing frisbee to the squirrel bounding up the tree. Dean paid about as much attention as Jensen expected him to, but that didn’t deter him from talking.

Jared was worried. He’d phoned Donna and she’d told him that Jensen’s lunch date with Joshua had gone well, but that had been more than two hours ago and, even if traffic was bad, Jensen should’ve been able to make it home in less than twenty minutes. It wasn’t until he’d attempted to get Jensen on his cell phone, and had heard it ringing from the bedroom, that he’d really become concerned, though.

If Jensen wasn’t back in ten minutes he was going looking for him.

Or he was calling the police.

Or the hospitals.

Or all of the above.

He’d never been more uncertain in his life than he had over the last year. Not at work, he was still effective at his job, still successful, but more than one person had commented on how he’d lost his ruthlessness. How he was more forgiving of mistakes. How he was … happier.

And he was. He was happier. But he was also more heartsick, more terrified and more unsure than he had ever been.

Jensen made it home only moments before Jared’s deadline.

Jensen was oblivious to the worry that had been eating Jared up inside, lost in communion with the sleeping child in his arms. Jensen smiled at him when he looked up. “I’m just going to put him down. He’s tiny, but you definitely know you’ve got him when you’ve been carrying him around all day.”

“I’ll come with.”

He followed Jensen upstairs and watched silently from the doorway as he laid Dean down in his crib. There was something different about him, but Jared couldn’t put his finger on what it was. When Jensen looked up at him there was heat in his eyes. “Wha..?”

Jensen pushed him towards their bed, pushed him onto his back and then climbed up, his legs straddling Jared’s hips. “I want you to fuck me.”

“Jensen?”

“Or maybe…” Jensen licked up the length of his neck, “I could fuck you tonight.”

It wasn’t something they’d ever done before but Jared was too struck by Jensen’s aggressive advances to even consider saying no.

Jensen couldn’t believe Dean was old enough to start school. He only just managed to stop the tears from flowing as his excited little boy ran off towards the group of kids on the playground, laughing and grinning.

“He’ll be alright, you know?”

Jensen looked up at Jared, wincing as the pain returned.

“How far apart are they?”

“They’re still almost twenty minutes apart Jared, there’s plenty of time, stop panicking.” Jensen grabbed hold of Jared’s hand, waited until Dean’s kindergarten class was led into the building by his teacher, and then let Jared lead him back towards their car.

“Sorry, can’t help it. The twins came on so quickly and…”

“The twins have been awkward since the day they were born. Your mom says they take after you.” Jensen laughed, holding on to his jittery husband. “Now, Dean knows that he’s being picked up by Josh and Hannah. They’re taking him out to dinner – his choice - and then they’re going to take him home, where your mom is waiting. Mine, apparently, refuses to leave my side until this little one’s born. She’s not entrusting me to you since you passed out last time.”

Jared pouted, “Wasn’t my fault, the twins…”

“Came quickly, I know. I was there.”

Jared carefully buckled Jensen into the passenger seat before running round to the driver’s side. Jensen watched as Jared’s trembling fingers dropped the keys three times before he managed to get them into the ignition.

“Jared, we’re not new at this, calm the hell down or we won’t make it to the hospital in one piece.”

“We should’ve let your mom take Dean to school.”

“Like hell, it was his first day and I promised him we’d be there. Now, calm down or I swear to God I’ll drive.”

Jared took a deep breath. “I’m calm.”

Jensen laughed, “Good.” He took one last glance at the school, thought he saw Dean through a window, but wasn’t sure. “Jared.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

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