Unwanted 8/10
Feb. 20th, 2011 09:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hemrageReturn to Part Seven
PART EIGHT
Jensen held the pump to his nipple and expressed as much milk as he was able to. It wasn’t comfortable, was even painful at times, but it was better than being tied to the demands of Jared’s baby. He’d have happily let his milk dry up completely, but the horrifying fact that he’d be fertile within weeks of doing so stopped him from going down that road.
It wasn’t as if he could ward off Jared’s attention, hell, he didn’t want to. The way Jared played his body … damn, but that had to be the only good thing about his change of fortunes a year ago. The only pleasure that existed in his pathetic existence.
A year.
A year and somehow he’d fallen for Jared and he hadn’t even realised it was happening. The like had transformed into love when he hadn’t been paying attention. In the three months since the baby had been born Jared had become more patient, more tender… and so what if there was guilt whenever he saw the hurt look on Jared’s face whenever Jensen refused to engage in any conversation about the child. So fucking what?
He didn’t want to have anything to do with choosing the baby’s name.
He wasn’t interested in the person hired to care for the child when there was no-one else around to do it.
And yes, he hated that Jared hurt whenever he rejected all attempts to get him to ‘bond’, but Jared had to respect Jensen’s wishes. He didn’t want to bond. Helen had accepted that when he’d talked to her about it, though she was the only person who had. The whole family looked at him with various shades of concern, worry and disappointment.
He’d heard Jared’s mother whispering to him about possible post natal depression. Post natal? Fuck, if he was depressed – and okay, so Helen had convinced him that maybe he probably was – it’d been prenatal as well … Hell, it had been pre-prenatal.
And now they were on this bloody vacation – just the three of them, the nanny given the time off to visit his family - and when the hell had he agreed to a month on the freaking beach?
Jared said he had, but he didn’t remember. Three days in and he was already going stir crazy. Though that might have something to do with the kid who hadn’t stopped screaming since just after Jared had left the house.
And when the hell was he getting back? Jensen was sure … almost sure … he’d said where he was going. He couldn’t think straight, couldn’t. Jared needed to see what the baby wanted, had to … do something with it to shut it up.
His head was killing him, the high pitched wail cutting right through his senses. He jumped up, dropping the pump to the floor and spilling the milk. He watched as it seeped into the gaps between the floorboards.
His hands found his head, grabbed handfuls of his own hair. “Just shut the fuck up already.”
He had to get the baby to stop crying, but what the hell could he do?
The crib was in the alcove, just round the corner. Jensen had refused to have the baby in the same room as them, but Jared hadn’t backed down. At least where it was Jensen couldn’t see it unless he walked to Jared’s side of the bed - so far he’d successfully avoided it.
So far.
He could wait until Jared got back. He would wait – but how long was Jared going to be?
He threw himself back onto the bed, ignoring the spilt milk. He was sure Jared had brought formula just in case… Jared would’ve done that kind of thing. Jared would’ve thought of everything. Left nothing to chance.
So where the fuck was he?
Jensen pulled a pillow out from under his head and held it over his face as he screamed his frustration out, into it.
Maybe it would cry itself to sleep. Babies did that sometimes, right?
His head was splitting.
He sat up, hugged the pillow to his chest.
“Why won’t you stop crying?” He heard the tears in his own voice, the desperation, and he knew he was close to breaking.
On shaking legs he made his way to the source of his pain. He stared at the screwed up red face, screaming out into the room.
He looked at the pillow in his arms. Frowned. Couldn’t remember bringing it with him.
Why did he have it with him?
A long, piercing wail filled the room.
Oh yeah. That was why.
This was one of the hardest things Jared had ever had to do.
When Jensen’s mom had suggested it he’d relegated the idea to ‘that’ll never happen.’ Then Jensen’s dad had approached him later, backing his wife’s suggestion and talking about ‘desperate times’ and all that.
Jared hadn’t thought he’d ever be that desperate, but his son was three months old and Jensen didn’t even know what color his eyes were. Or well, he knew, because Jared had told him, but he’d never seen them for himself.
He stood outside the bedroom window, listening to the baby cry. He was due a feed, Jared had known that when he’d walked out, but in this timing was everything. The baby was just too placid, he’d have just as likely slept the day away if Jared had left even an hour later. He was so much like Jensen it was terrifying. He looked like him and he did ‘quiet and reserved’ like him – well, until his stomach was empty or his bottom was wet, then he’d tolerate it for only so long before he let the world know his displeasure.
Watching the numbers change on his watch he tried to decide how long he was willing to leave it. If this didn’t work he refused to let his son get too distressed. His cries at the moment were demands for attention, soon they’d turn angry and Jared wasn’t sure he could cope with that.
He sat with his back against the wall and willed Jensen to do something. Jensen couldn’t ignore this, he couldn’t.
Jared held his breath when he heard Jensen’s voice on the other side of the window, strained to hear the words to no avail.
The tone of the baby’s cries changed, though they didn’t stop. Not yet, not yet. Jensen would have to work out what the child wanted and capitulate before the crying ceased.
Jared brought his hands to his own face, wiped away the tears that fell in silent streams down his cheeks, and resolved to wait a little while longer in order to let Jensen become acquainted with his son.
Everything was quiet inside by the time Jared had composed himself and lifted himself up out of the sand. Brushing it down and off his pants as he made his way to the door of the beach house.
Stepping into the house he quietly made his way to the bedroom, to where, he hoped (because apparently nothing can quash it where his family is concerned) things were coming good between the two most important men in his life.
At the threshold to his bedroom he saw them, both of them, lying on the bed. Jensen’s eyes were closed, but it was the easy, relaxed, closure of sleep rather than the tight, screwed up closure of pain or disgust.
There was a pillow wedged between Jensen’s arm and his chest, placed there to lift his arm up so that his hand fell gently to the baby’s back, holding him in place at his chest with only the slightest pressure while the baby lazily suckled.
For a mad moment Jared wished he had a camera. It was an image Jared hadn’t thought he’d ever see again. Jensen had fed the baby the day he was born, too tired and exhausted from the pain to argue when the newborn was placed on his chest, but this time, this time Jensen had placed the child there of his own free will. “He was hungry.”
Jared looked up to Jensen’s heavy lidded eyes, “I guess he was.”
“He doesn’t bite me like you do.”
Jared chuckled. Jensen’s nipples were very sensitive and Jared enjoyed playing with them. He’d developed quite a taste for Jensen’s milk – though he knew he’d have to give it up eventually, or Jensen would never get pregnant again. Which, okay, he’d considered allowing, briefly, for the sake of Jensen’s sanity and happiness, but it was only a brief fancy. He had a contract to honor after all. Honor it or lose Jensen to someone who would fuck him and get him pregnant and not give a damn about the man beneath him.
Jared refused to lose him.
“He’s not biting ‘cause he’s got no teeth.”
“Something to look forward to, then.”
Jared was too scared to approach as a finger gently stroked the baby’s forehead. As a small frown appeared on Jensen’s face, only to disappear just as suddenly. This peace could be fragile and short lived. Jared wasn’t prepared to do anything to break it. He felt the tears he’d said goodbye to outside, return as he swallowed the choking ball in his chest. “I love you, Jensen.”
Jensen didn’t open his eyes and Jared thought that he’d slipped into sleep until he heard the soft reply.
“I know, Jared. I know.”
PART EIGHT
Jensen held the pump to his nipple and expressed as much milk as he was able to. It wasn’t comfortable, was even painful at times, but it was better than being tied to the demands of Jared’s baby. He’d have happily let his milk dry up completely, but the horrifying fact that he’d be fertile within weeks of doing so stopped him from going down that road.
It wasn’t as if he could ward off Jared’s attention, hell, he didn’t want to. The way Jared played his body … damn, but that had to be the only good thing about his change of fortunes a year ago. The only pleasure that existed in his pathetic existence.
A year.
A year and somehow he’d fallen for Jared and he hadn’t even realised it was happening. The like had transformed into love when he hadn’t been paying attention. In the three months since the baby had been born Jared had become more patient, more tender… and so what if there was guilt whenever he saw the hurt look on Jared’s face whenever Jensen refused to engage in any conversation about the child. So fucking what?
He didn’t want to have anything to do with choosing the baby’s name.
He wasn’t interested in the person hired to care for the child when there was no-one else around to do it.
And yes, he hated that Jared hurt whenever he rejected all attempts to get him to ‘bond’, but Jared had to respect Jensen’s wishes. He didn’t want to bond. Helen had accepted that when he’d talked to her about it, though she was the only person who had. The whole family looked at him with various shades of concern, worry and disappointment.
He’d heard Jared’s mother whispering to him about possible post natal depression. Post natal? Fuck, if he was depressed – and okay, so Helen had convinced him that maybe he probably was – it’d been prenatal as well … Hell, it had been pre-prenatal.
And now they were on this bloody vacation – just the three of them, the nanny given the time off to visit his family - and when the hell had he agreed to a month on the freaking beach?
Jared said he had, but he didn’t remember. Three days in and he was already going stir crazy. Though that might have something to do with the kid who hadn’t stopped screaming since just after Jared had left the house.
And when the hell was he getting back? Jensen was sure … almost sure … he’d said where he was going. He couldn’t think straight, couldn’t. Jared needed to see what the baby wanted, had to … do something with it to shut it up.
His head was killing him, the high pitched wail cutting right through his senses. He jumped up, dropping the pump to the floor and spilling the milk. He watched as it seeped into the gaps between the floorboards.
His hands found his head, grabbed handfuls of his own hair. “Just shut the fuck up already.”
He had to get the baby to stop crying, but what the hell could he do?
The crib was in the alcove, just round the corner. Jensen had refused to have the baby in the same room as them, but Jared hadn’t backed down. At least where it was Jensen couldn’t see it unless he walked to Jared’s side of the bed - so far he’d successfully avoided it.
So far.
He could wait until Jared got back. He would wait – but how long was Jared going to be?
He threw himself back onto the bed, ignoring the spilt milk. He was sure Jared had brought formula just in case… Jared would’ve done that kind of thing. Jared would’ve thought of everything. Left nothing to chance.
So where the fuck was he?
Jensen pulled a pillow out from under his head and held it over his face as he screamed his frustration out, into it.
Maybe it would cry itself to sleep. Babies did that sometimes, right?
His head was splitting.
He sat up, hugged the pillow to his chest.
“Why won’t you stop crying?” He heard the tears in his own voice, the desperation, and he knew he was close to breaking.
On shaking legs he made his way to the source of his pain. He stared at the screwed up red face, screaming out into the room.
He looked at the pillow in his arms. Frowned. Couldn’t remember bringing it with him.
Why did he have it with him?
A long, piercing wail filled the room.
Oh yeah. That was why.
This was one of the hardest things Jared had ever had to do.
When Jensen’s mom had suggested it he’d relegated the idea to ‘that’ll never happen.’ Then Jensen’s dad had approached him later, backing his wife’s suggestion and talking about ‘desperate times’ and all that.
Jared hadn’t thought he’d ever be that desperate, but his son was three months old and Jensen didn’t even know what color his eyes were. Or well, he knew, because Jared had told him, but he’d never seen them for himself.
He stood outside the bedroom window, listening to the baby cry. He was due a feed, Jared had known that when he’d walked out, but in this timing was everything. The baby was just too placid, he’d have just as likely slept the day away if Jared had left even an hour later. He was so much like Jensen it was terrifying. He looked like him and he did ‘quiet and reserved’ like him – well, until his stomach was empty or his bottom was wet, then he’d tolerate it for only so long before he let the world know his displeasure.
Watching the numbers change on his watch he tried to decide how long he was willing to leave it. If this didn’t work he refused to let his son get too distressed. His cries at the moment were demands for attention, soon they’d turn angry and Jared wasn’t sure he could cope with that.
He sat with his back against the wall and willed Jensen to do something. Jensen couldn’t ignore this, he couldn’t.
Jared held his breath when he heard Jensen’s voice on the other side of the window, strained to hear the words to no avail.
The tone of the baby’s cries changed, though they didn’t stop. Not yet, not yet. Jensen would have to work out what the child wanted and capitulate before the crying ceased.
Jared brought his hands to his own face, wiped away the tears that fell in silent streams down his cheeks, and resolved to wait a little while longer in order to let Jensen become acquainted with his son.
Everything was quiet inside by the time Jared had composed himself and lifted himself up out of the sand. Brushing it down and off his pants as he made his way to the door of the beach house.
Stepping into the house he quietly made his way to the bedroom, to where, he hoped (because apparently nothing can quash it where his family is concerned) things were coming good between the two most important men in his life.
At the threshold to his bedroom he saw them, both of them, lying on the bed. Jensen’s eyes were closed, but it was the easy, relaxed, closure of sleep rather than the tight, screwed up closure of pain or disgust.
There was a pillow wedged between Jensen’s arm and his chest, placed there to lift his arm up so that his hand fell gently to the baby’s back, holding him in place at his chest with only the slightest pressure while the baby lazily suckled.
For a mad moment Jared wished he had a camera. It was an image Jared hadn’t thought he’d ever see again. Jensen had fed the baby the day he was born, too tired and exhausted from the pain to argue when the newborn was placed on his chest, but this time, this time Jensen had placed the child there of his own free will. “He was hungry.”
Jared looked up to Jensen’s heavy lidded eyes, “I guess he was.”
“He doesn’t bite me like you do.”
Jared chuckled. Jensen’s nipples were very sensitive and Jared enjoyed playing with them. He’d developed quite a taste for Jensen’s milk – though he knew he’d have to give it up eventually, or Jensen would never get pregnant again. Which, okay, he’d considered allowing, briefly, for the sake of Jensen’s sanity and happiness, but it was only a brief fancy. He had a contract to honor after all. Honor it or lose Jensen to someone who would fuck him and get him pregnant and not give a damn about the man beneath him.
Jared refused to lose him.
“He’s not biting ‘cause he’s got no teeth.”
“Something to look forward to, then.”
Jared was too scared to approach as a finger gently stroked the baby’s forehead. As a small frown appeared on Jensen’s face, only to disappear just as suddenly. This peace could be fragile and short lived. Jared wasn’t prepared to do anything to break it. He felt the tears he’d said goodbye to outside, return as he swallowed the choking ball in his chest. “I love you, Jensen.”
Jensen didn’t open his eyes and Jared thought that he’d slipped into sleep until he heard the soft reply.
“I know, Jared. I know.”
Return to Part Seven ~o~ Go to Part Nine
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-02-21 04:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-24 12:21 am (UTC)hehe yes thats right.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-28 03:59 pm (UTC)