Desperate Times - 7
Aug. 1st, 2008 08:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hemrageNot sure about this chapter - so I apologise now if it disappoints.
Chapter 6: here.
Title: Desperate Times (7/?)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/OMCs, AU, Non-con, Dub-con, MPREG
Putting his feet onto the floor he waited for a moment, caught his breath. Waking up with Jared holding him, holding him down, had almost brought on one of his panic attacks. Almost. It was only the soft sound of Jared’s snoring and the realization that he was asleep that helped him to push it back. Subdue it.
Regain control.
It seemed like forever before Jared rolled over in his sleep and released him. He had no intention of wasting the opportunity. He reeked of sex and his thighs were sticky. He moved slowly, gingerly, up and away. He didn’t know if he was capable of moving faster without making a sound. Without waking Jared up.
He stood and looked at the clothes Jared had given him to wear – was that only yesterday? - and picked up the robe, leaving the pants and tee shirt untouched. He wrapped it securely round his waist, tying it uncomfortably, but reassuringly, tight. What did it matter what he wore? He wouldn’t be wearing it for long anyway.
Jared hadn’t moved, hair fanning around his face making him look young, innocent even. Jared was not that innocent, despite the illusion.
He didn’t know the protocol for the morning after. Didn’t know if he was expected to stay available until he was dismissed, but he needed to feel clean – even if it was just for a little while.
His feet sank into the dense carpeting, his toes disappearing into the comfortable pile as he put one foot in front of the other, slipping past the heavy curtain. Releasing the breath he’d been holding as soon as he got to the other side.
“You alright?”
Jensen startled. He had no idea what time it was and hadn’t even thought about the possibility of the others being up. He hadn’t spoken to them at all since his arrival. Today … well … he wasn’t sure whether he could force himself to make the effort to talk to them today, either. What they were going to be doing didn’t require conversation after all.
Jensen considered continuing to the bathroom without speaking, ignoring the man sitting on the sofa who turned, looked over his own shoulder, and stared at him so intently.
He didn’t want to stand here. Visible. Vulnerable. He could feel Jared inside him, even now. Was convinced there was come leaking from his ass, running down his legs.
“I heard you last night, Jensen. Are you alright?”
It wasn’t just idle conversation, but Jensen didn’t know how genuine the concern was as it radiated from those warm, blue eyes.
He thought about the question. Was he alright? Well, he wasn’t hurting – well not much. The ache in his ass was unpleasant but bearable. But that was just physical. Physically Jared had made sure that there hadn’t been too much damage caused. He’d been gentle while he raped him.
Jensen’s mental state? That didn’t really matter.
Jensen nodded and the response he got in reply was accompanied by a brief, and cynical, smile. Even as the man said the word “Good”, Jensen knew that he hadn’t been believed.
Jensen found himself returning the smile anyway, reflex, nothing more. But the man – was it Jack or Sam? – took it as an invitation and got up from his seat. Walked towards him.
Jensen held his ground. False bravado rather than true bravery.
“Just remember, nobody here wants to see you hurt. Not one of us has the option of walking out, going home. We’re all just trying to make the most of the situation we’ve been thrown into.”
Jensen understood that. Understood that his companions weren’t here because they had volunteered.
Didn’t make it any easier.
“So, do I come to you now?” Jensen tried very hard to keep the emotion from his voice.
“At this moment in time I’m sure you want to clean up.” A gentle hand on his shoulder, and Jensen tried to gain some reassurance from it. The hand was smaller than Jared’s.
Less intimidating.
“What the hell are you doing?”
It was like a window closing. The warmth from those blue eyes disappeared as the new arrival approached.
“Good morning, Jack. And how are you this fine morning?” Sarcasm dripped from every word as Sam – it had to be Sam - kept his hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
Jack looked across at Jensen, momentarily ignoring the man who had successfully invaded Jensen’s space. “You okay?”
“Yeah.”
The tension was tangible. Jack glared at Sam and, even though Sam wasn’t built the way Jack was, had neither the height nor the weight Jack possessed, he wasn’t intimidated. Far from it. Fingers gently kneaded Jensen’s shoulder as a smirk was thrown in Jack’s direction. Taunting.
Two dogs fighting over a fucking bone!
He had no idea what Jack’s issue was with Sam and he didn’t need to. He had enough swirling round inside his head without these two fighting for the title of alpha male.
What he needed was a shower.
He moved away, Sam’s hand dropping to his side.
Let them argue. Wake Jared up.
Jensen sought refuge in the bathroom before that happened.
“Where is he now?” Jared restrained the bellow that attempted to force its way past his lips, a hiss escaping instead.
Jensen had left his bed without Jared even noticing and he was supposed to be keeping an eye on him. Protect him from having to spend anytime with Sam unchaperoned. If Jack hadn’t arrived when he had anything could’ve happened.
“Looks like it’s visiting day. Sam left ten minutes ago.”
“Bastard.”
“Calm the fuck down, or Jensen will hear you. He doesn’t need to be spooked anymore than he already is.”
At Jared’s puzzled look Jack continued. “I may have had a go at Sam in front of him. That boy looked awfully desperate to get away from us.”
“He didn’t need that.” Jared’s voice was uncharacteristically small and he looked towards the bathroom as if he could see Jensen beyond the sealed opening.
“No, he didn’t. Not after what you got up to.”
Jared couldn’t hide the blush. Guilt and shame warring for dominance.
Jack laughed. “Don’t sweat it man. You know you can’t hide anything for shit. Those curtains may mean that no-one get’s see you at it, but they are not sound proofed. Like at all.”
Jared huffed, rubbing his neck. “They’re all freaking perverts. Would it hurt to give us a door?”
“You know the answer to that one. This way Jensen doesn’t get to hurt himself and no-one gets to be too physical with him, either.”
Jared knew that. Had been told that years ago, and every time he’d entered the Center since. Too many Gestates had been – harmed – in those first few years.
“Speaking of, how long’s he been in the bathroom?”
“Long enough.”
Jared almost went then. Almost went in there to check on the man he’d lain with last night.
Almost.
He turned to Jack. “I can’t...”
“Why not?”
“He asked me to stop. He wanted me to…”
“He knew you wouldn’t.”
“I know, but…”
“You want to delay any confrontation for a little while.”
Jared sighed. He didn’t know what it was. Yes, guilt played a part in him wanted to avoid Jensen a little while longer. But a larger piece of him – a much larger piece – wouldn’t be able to ignore the want that had crept into his gut every time he’d looked at Jensen last night. Every time he touched heated, smooth skin.
“I just can’t go in there right now.”
Jared walked away. Jack watched him go.
Jensen allowed the warm water to keep him buoyant. Floating. The last bath he’d had had been in the large old iron bathtub that had graced his home. Knees bent, the only way he fitted in. He’d always joked that it was built for midgets. But he’d inherited it, along with the house, and he’d never considered changing it. Not when it was only his until he passed it on to someone else.
Here he could hold his arms out, stretch his legs, and not feel the sides. Nothing to hold on to he could just sink down to the bottom, clean everything away.
His skin was red, from the frantic scrubbing or the heat of the water, he wasn’t sure.
He was dirty.
He was cold.
He needed to feel warm.
He felt so cold inside.
He’d never be clean.
He shook himself mentally. He felt his thoughts drifting down paths that scared him. Meandering along lanes he had no business trespassing upon. He couldn’t do that again. Couldn’t go there.
There were people waiting for him. People that missed him. People who were expecting him to walk out of here when his six months were up – whole.
Alive.
He looked down the length of his body. He was a freak. His smooth hairless skin taunted him. Reminded him that already, even after only one day, he wasn’t that person anymore.
That person, the one they were all waiting for, was dead.
Gone.
Had gone even before he’d entered this building. Before he’d left the hospital.
He’d died months ago. He was just a spirit now. A ghost who refused to go into the light.
The light…
Would Heaven even let him in after what he’d done?
Despair taunted him. Filled the places that had once been host to hope, to faith.
Jensen let his head rest against the side of the tub and closed his eyes. Someone once said it was dangerous to fall asleep in the bath. Probably his mom. She was always full of sound advice.
But he was so tired.
He hadn’t slept last night. Convinced that every movement preceded another coupling.
Three times had been enough.
Three times filling him, stretching him.
He let his eyes close, ignoring his mother’s words of wisdom.
Jensen let himself drift…
float…
sink…
Numb. That was good. A numbness overcoming him, warmth filling him and then receding … leaving behind – nothing.
Nothing.
Not tired here.
Not scared.
Dark.
Was he scared of the dark?
Mama said there was nothing in the dark that wasn’t there in the light…
Light.
What is that light?
Over there…
Distant light.
Warm.
Heat filling him.
Warm.
Love.
Completing him…
Light radiating out, filling the dark…
Hello.
Jensen stopped drifting. Found himself anchored as he looked at her.
Her smile, so familiar.
Her green eyes laughed and she held out her hands to him, golden hair floating round her face.
Pretty little girl.
She giggled. Light shining from behind her. Should be bright enough to blind, but it just filled him up. Shedding light on the dark spaces inside.
Who are you?
More giggling. Eyes crinkling at the corner. Freckle dusted nose wrinkling up as she makes faces at him…
Do I know you?
She leans forward to kiss him and he knows he should know her.
The little girl with his eyes … his hair .. his freckles…
His …
The light recedes rapidly, gone in a flash and he wakes. Face breaking the surface of the water as he fights for breath.
Part 8
Chapter 6: here.
Title: Desperate Times (7/?)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/OMCs, AU, Non-con, Dub-con, MPREG
Putting his feet onto the floor he waited for a moment, caught his breath. Waking up with Jared holding him, holding him down, had almost brought on one of his panic attacks. Almost. It was only the soft sound of Jared’s snoring and the realization that he was asleep that helped him to push it back. Subdue it.
Regain control.
It seemed like forever before Jared rolled over in his sleep and released him. He had no intention of wasting the opportunity. He reeked of sex and his thighs were sticky. He moved slowly, gingerly, up and away. He didn’t know if he was capable of moving faster without making a sound. Without waking Jared up.
He stood and looked at the clothes Jared had given him to wear – was that only yesterday? - and picked up the robe, leaving the pants and tee shirt untouched. He wrapped it securely round his waist, tying it uncomfortably, but reassuringly, tight. What did it matter what he wore? He wouldn’t be wearing it for long anyway.
Jared hadn’t moved, hair fanning around his face making him look young, innocent even. Jared was not that innocent, despite the illusion.
He didn’t know the protocol for the morning after. Didn’t know if he was expected to stay available until he was dismissed, but he needed to feel clean – even if it was just for a little while.
His feet sank into the dense carpeting, his toes disappearing into the comfortable pile as he put one foot in front of the other, slipping past the heavy curtain. Releasing the breath he’d been holding as soon as he got to the other side.
“You alright?”
Jensen startled. He had no idea what time it was and hadn’t even thought about the possibility of the others being up. He hadn’t spoken to them at all since his arrival. Today … well … he wasn’t sure whether he could force himself to make the effort to talk to them today, either. What they were going to be doing didn’t require conversation after all.
Jensen considered continuing to the bathroom without speaking, ignoring the man sitting on the sofa who turned, looked over his own shoulder, and stared at him so intently.
He didn’t want to stand here. Visible. Vulnerable. He could feel Jared inside him, even now. Was convinced there was come leaking from his ass, running down his legs.
“I heard you last night, Jensen. Are you alright?”
It wasn’t just idle conversation, but Jensen didn’t know how genuine the concern was as it radiated from those warm, blue eyes.
He thought about the question. Was he alright? Well, he wasn’t hurting – well not much. The ache in his ass was unpleasant but bearable. But that was just physical. Physically Jared had made sure that there hadn’t been too much damage caused. He’d been gentle while he raped him.
Jensen’s mental state? That didn’t really matter.
Jensen nodded and the response he got in reply was accompanied by a brief, and cynical, smile. Even as the man said the word “Good”, Jensen knew that he hadn’t been believed.
Jensen found himself returning the smile anyway, reflex, nothing more. But the man – was it Jack or Sam? – took it as an invitation and got up from his seat. Walked towards him.
Jensen held his ground. False bravado rather than true bravery.
“Just remember, nobody here wants to see you hurt. Not one of us has the option of walking out, going home. We’re all just trying to make the most of the situation we’ve been thrown into.”
Jensen understood that. Understood that his companions weren’t here because they had volunteered.
Didn’t make it any easier.
“So, do I come to you now?” Jensen tried very hard to keep the emotion from his voice.
“At this moment in time I’m sure you want to clean up.” A gentle hand on his shoulder, and Jensen tried to gain some reassurance from it. The hand was smaller than Jared’s.
Less intimidating.
“What the hell are you doing?”
It was like a window closing. The warmth from those blue eyes disappeared as the new arrival approached.
“Good morning, Jack. And how are you this fine morning?” Sarcasm dripped from every word as Sam – it had to be Sam - kept his hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
Jack looked across at Jensen, momentarily ignoring the man who had successfully invaded Jensen’s space. “You okay?”
“Yeah.”
The tension was tangible. Jack glared at Sam and, even though Sam wasn’t built the way Jack was, had neither the height nor the weight Jack possessed, he wasn’t intimidated. Far from it. Fingers gently kneaded Jensen’s shoulder as a smirk was thrown in Jack’s direction. Taunting.
Two dogs fighting over a fucking bone!
He had no idea what Jack’s issue was with Sam and he didn’t need to. He had enough swirling round inside his head without these two fighting for the title of alpha male.
What he needed was a shower.
He moved away, Sam’s hand dropping to his side.
Let them argue. Wake Jared up.
Jensen sought refuge in the bathroom before that happened.
“Where is he now?” Jared restrained the bellow that attempted to force its way past his lips, a hiss escaping instead.
Jensen had left his bed without Jared even noticing and he was supposed to be keeping an eye on him. Protect him from having to spend anytime with Sam unchaperoned. If Jack hadn’t arrived when he had anything could’ve happened.
“Looks like it’s visiting day. Sam left ten minutes ago.”
“Bastard.”
“Calm the fuck down, or Jensen will hear you. He doesn’t need to be spooked anymore than he already is.”
At Jared’s puzzled look Jack continued. “I may have had a go at Sam in front of him. That boy looked awfully desperate to get away from us.”
“He didn’t need that.” Jared’s voice was uncharacteristically small and he looked towards the bathroom as if he could see Jensen beyond the sealed opening.
“No, he didn’t. Not after what you got up to.”
Jared couldn’t hide the blush. Guilt and shame warring for dominance.
Jack laughed. “Don’t sweat it man. You know you can’t hide anything for shit. Those curtains may mean that no-one get’s see you at it, but they are not sound proofed. Like at all.”
Jared huffed, rubbing his neck. “They’re all freaking perverts. Would it hurt to give us a door?”
“You know the answer to that one. This way Jensen doesn’t get to hurt himself and no-one gets to be too physical with him, either.”
Jared knew that. Had been told that years ago, and every time he’d entered the Center since. Too many Gestates had been – harmed – in those first few years.
“Speaking of, how long’s he been in the bathroom?”
“Long enough.”
Jared almost went then. Almost went in there to check on the man he’d lain with last night.
Almost.
He turned to Jack. “I can’t...”
“Why not?”
“He asked me to stop. He wanted me to…”
“He knew you wouldn’t.”
“I know, but…”
“You want to delay any confrontation for a little while.”
Jared sighed. He didn’t know what it was. Yes, guilt played a part in him wanted to avoid Jensen a little while longer. But a larger piece of him – a much larger piece – wouldn’t be able to ignore the want that had crept into his gut every time he’d looked at Jensen last night. Every time he touched heated, smooth skin.
“I just can’t go in there right now.”
Jared walked away. Jack watched him go.
Jensen allowed the warm water to keep him buoyant. Floating. The last bath he’d had had been in the large old iron bathtub that had graced his home. Knees bent, the only way he fitted in. He’d always joked that it was built for midgets. But he’d inherited it, along with the house, and he’d never considered changing it. Not when it was only his until he passed it on to someone else.
Here he could hold his arms out, stretch his legs, and not feel the sides. Nothing to hold on to he could just sink down to the bottom, clean everything away.
His skin was red, from the frantic scrubbing or the heat of the water, he wasn’t sure.
He was dirty.
He was cold.
He needed to feel warm.
He felt so cold inside.
He’d never be clean.
He shook himself mentally. He felt his thoughts drifting down paths that scared him. Meandering along lanes he had no business trespassing upon. He couldn’t do that again. Couldn’t go there.
There were people waiting for him. People that missed him. People who were expecting him to walk out of here when his six months were up – whole.
Alive.
He looked down the length of his body. He was a freak. His smooth hairless skin taunted him. Reminded him that already, even after only one day, he wasn’t that person anymore.
That person, the one they were all waiting for, was dead.
Gone.
Had gone even before he’d entered this building. Before he’d left the hospital.
He’d died months ago. He was just a spirit now. A ghost who refused to go into the light.
The light…
Would Heaven even let him in after what he’d done?
Despair taunted him. Filled the places that had once been host to hope, to faith.
Jensen let his head rest against the side of the tub and closed his eyes. Someone once said it was dangerous to fall asleep in the bath. Probably his mom. She was always full of sound advice.
But he was so tired.
He hadn’t slept last night. Convinced that every movement preceded another coupling.
Three times had been enough.
Three times filling him, stretching him.
He let his eyes close, ignoring his mother’s words of wisdom.
Jensen let himself drift…
float…
sink…
Numb. That was good. A numbness overcoming him, warmth filling him and then receding … leaving behind – nothing.
Nothing.
Not tired here.
Not scared.
Dark.
Was he scared of the dark?
Mama said there was nothing in the dark that wasn’t there in the light…
Light.
What is that light?
Over there…
Distant light.
Warm.
Heat filling him.
Warm.
Love.
Completing him…
Light radiating out, filling the dark…
Hello.
Jensen stopped drifting. Found himself anchored as he looked at her.
Her smile, so familiar.
Her green eyes laughed and she held out her hands to him, golden hair floating round her face.
Pretty little girl.
She giggled. Light shining from behind her. Should be bright enough to blind, but it just filled him up. Shedding light on the dark spaces inside.
Who are you?
More giggling. Eyes crinkling at the corner. Freckle dusted nose wrinkling up as she makes faces at him…
Do I know you?
She leans forward to kiss him and he knows he should know her.
The little girl with his eyes … his hair .. his freckles…
His …
The light recedes rapidly, gone in a flash and he wakes. Face breaking the surface of the water as he fights for breath.
Part 8
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Date: 2008-08-02 03:35 pm (UTC)