Desperate Times: A Desperate Man
Mar. 29th, 2009 09:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hemrage Follows ‘Desperate Times’ and A Little Less Desperate. You will probably have to read those for this to make any sense whatsoever.
Masterpost for story: here
Title: A Desperate Man
Rating: R
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Very AU, past MPREG
A/N: Cast of this story available here.
A/N2: Thank![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mini_moue for the title. My inability to think of one almost prevented me from posting tonight.
Jared turned over, automatically reaching out in search of the warm body that should be curled up next to him, that should be right there, skin against skin, in the empty space between the still warm sheets.
Its absence was enough to rouse him.
Enough to wake him up so he could see Jensen shuffling quietly towards the door, reach for one of the two robes that hung on its back, and slip it on.
“Jen?”
The silhouette at the door froze.
Shaking off sleep Jared registered that the house was silent. Not a cry, not a whimper. He turned to the clock, the glow telling him he’d barely been in bed for two hours. There was no need for Jensen to be up.
None at all.
Not when Jensen had pleaded exhaustion and gone to bed early, not when he’d feigned sleep when Jared had joined him.
Jensen’s voice traversed the darkness. “Go back to sleep Jared, I won’t be long.”
“I’ll go back to sleep when you come back to bed.”
Jared heard the sigh but there was no move for Jensen to retrace his steps. “I’m just going…”
Jared pulled himself up, sat with his back against the headboard. “I know where you’re going.” He controlled his breathing, the tone of his voice. “They’re fine. Come back to bed.” He didn’t want to sound angry but he knew what he was feeling was creeping into his voice, knew that Jensen could hear it.
Something was going wrong with them, something he didn’t want to acknowledge but it was happening all the same. For the last few weeks Jensen had been distracted, short tempered. It wasn’t just parenthood, it wasn’t just his self imposed seclusion, it was something else. Something insidious was working to destroy what Jared prized so greatly and he’d run out of people to seek advice from.
Alan’s health was failing to the point where Jared didn’t want to trouble him with it, not that it was a great idea to get relationship advice off a member of Jensen’s family, so that ruled Joseph out of the equation too.
The situation made Jared feel his own isolation more keenly, his own need for family. The irregular conversation Chris managed to organize with his brother wasn’t enough to preserve either his sanity, or his high spirits.
He should be able to talk to Jensen about what was troubling him … but how the hell could he do that when the problem was Jensen? Jensen’s distance, Jensen’s refusal to acknowledge the rift that was getting increasingly wider.
Jared found himself living on his nerves, waiting for his world to come crashing down round his ears. Love wasn’t proving to be enough to keep them on an even keel, but Jared would be damned if he was willing to give up on something he doubted he could live without.
This was only the second night the babies hadn’t been in their room. Only the second night since he’d won that particular battle and Jared shouldn’t be surprised that Jensen was doing this, he had, after all, found Jensen asleep in the nursery this morning. He preferred to believe that it was Jensen being overprotective, anxious. It was better than the taunting fear that it had just been one more instance of Jensen trying to avoid spending time with him.
“If they want you they’ll holler.”
“Sarah won’t.”
“She will if she wants you enough.” Jared wanted to sound reasonable but even he could hear the cruel edge to his tone.
“They’re teething.”
“All the more reason we’ll hear them.”
Jensen reluctantly dragged himself to the bed, slipped off the robe and pulled back the comforter.
Jared couldn’t be certain it existed, but he really wouldn’t have been surprised if the first cry had been enough to provoke an increasingly rare smile. Jensen got back up fast enough.
Jared knew he should get up too, two babies, two pairs of hands would be useful, but he didn’t think his help was wanted. Jensen seemed more than able to cope, was determined to prove he could do it alone, and Jared had to fight to bond with his son, his daughter, in those moments Jensen wasn’t being too possessive.
He fell asleep after the crying stopped but before Jensen slipped back into bed next to him.
Sam stepped in through the front door and kicked it closed behind him as he dropped his holdall onto the floor near the stairs. He’d take it up to his room later.
Jensen appeared, wiping his hands on a towel draped over his shoulder. A small surprised smile curled the corners of Jensen’s lips and, though hugging was never something he encouraged, Sam didn’t repel his enthusiastic embrace.
“It’s good to see you.” He patted Jensen’s back before he pulled away.
“You too. I wasn’t expecting you,” Jensen nodded towards the bag. “How long you staying?”
“Just overnight. I’m meeting Chris near the border tomorrow. Figured I could do it just as well from this side as from the other.”
Jensen’s smile dimmed. His tired, drawn face more obvious as the light left his eyes. “You hungry? Jared’s in the shower, but I got breakfast going.”
“If you’d any idea what kind of food I’d been subjected to lately you’d know I’m never going to be one to turn down your cooking.”
“Glad to hear it.”
He followed Jensen into the kitchen where the first thing Jensen did was pour him some coffee. He handed it to him: black, strong and sweet. Sam enjoyed the fact Jensen knew just the way he liked it, not many people had ever taken the trouble to learn his preference. He looked round the kitchen as he sat on the stool by the large wooden island. There were bottles lined up along the wall on the countertop. Brightly decorated bowls next to the microwave. There were babies clothes amongst the pile of clean laundry folded up on top of the washer.
Jensen followed his gaze toward the evidence of their kids. “They’re still asleep. Jamie’s teething, was up most of the night. Kept us up, kept his sister up. They’ll be awake soon enough though. Give them an hour and he’ll be demanding breakfast.”
Sam nodded, sipped his coffee. “Not her?”
Jensen smiled. “She just doesn’t like a fuss is all, like someone else I know.” Sam caught the implied ‘Just like her daddy’ but didn’t comment on it. He thought his little girl looked more like Jensen than Jamie did, her personality could possibly prove to be like his but Sam hoped, for everyone’s sake, that she’d grow out of it if it was. “I actually think she’s cut more teeth than her brother, but I never thought to check her gums until he started complaining.”
“Do you think it’s normal? Her being so quiet?” Sam’s experience with babies was incredibly limited but Jamie’s demanding caterwauling seemed like it should be the norm.
Jensen frowned, obviously perturbed by the possibility that there could be something wrong with his little girl. “She’s fine. Just doesn’t like a fuss, like I said.”
Jared took that moment to arrive, damp hair curled round his ears. He looked uncomfortable, trussed up in the dark gray suit which coordinated wonderfully with the shadows under his eyes.
Jensen silently handed him a coffee before he turned back to the stove. Sam noticed the atmosphere drop a couple of degrees as Jared took the cup and sat down, Jensen busying himself in front of the stove, shoulders stiff.
“Hello, Sam.” Jared nodded towards him, the acknowledgment forced and not as warm as it usually was.
“Jared.” He looked at the way Jared followed Jensen’s movements, at the way he looked pained when Jensen wasn’t looking. “Off to work?”
Jared nodded, the mask of happiness falling neatly back into place before he joined Sam in conversation. “Yeah. Feel like I could sleep for a week though. Damn it, but that kid of ours has got a healthy set of lungs on him.”
Sam sipped his own coffee just as Jensen slid a plate of pancakes in front of him. Bottle of syrup placed within easy reach. “How’s the job going anyway?”
Jared put his empty coffee cup down just as another plate appeared, this one with a side of bacon. “Fine. Took me a while to get into the swing of things but nobody’s fired me yet so I must be doing alright.”
“You’re doing great.” Jensen refilled Jared’s cup before joining them at the counter. “They’re lucky to have you.” Sam didn’t doubt the smile was genuine even if the chill between the two men showed no sign of thawing. He hadn’t felt this uncomfortable in a room since he’d last had a gun held against his temple.
“I’m just grateful that they think they are.” He swallowed a mouthful of pancake before continuing. “That was some damn fine forgery your friend did on those transcripts.”
Sam took a break from eating to reply, “They’re genuine I’ll have you know. It’s just the information on them that’s a little bit … fictional.”
Jared grinned and then caught sight of the time on his watch. He cast a wistful look at his barely touched plate. “I really need to go. Like me or not, they’ll end up firing me if I continue being late every morning ‘cause I can’t get out of bed.” Jared stood and kissed Jensen goodbye, the move automatic, no thought going into it at all. They lingered, both men reluctant to let go, stop breathing each other in. And then the moment was broken. Jared pulled away, grabbed a slice of bacon off his plate and hurried out of the room. The front door closing quietly in deference to the sleeping infants upstairs.
Sam waited a little while, finished his breakfast, allowed Jensen to reacquire his equilibrium, unclench the white knuckled fists that had appeared as soon as Jared had made his move. “You okay?”
“Sure.”
Sam snorted, “Yeah, and I’m on the President’s Christmas card list. Don’t give me that crap. I don’t appreciate being lied to.”
“I’m not …”
“I’m serious. You could cut the tension in this fucking house with a knife. What the hell’s been going? You guys look like you’re one step away from the divorce courts. What’s got you so miserable?”
“I’m not miserable, Jared is. And it’s my fault. I’m as happy as happy can be.”
“Coulda fooled me.”
Jensen collapsed onto the chair Jared had vacated. “I am… was … could be.”
Sam frowned as he stared at Jensen’s dejected face, eyes fixed on fingers as they toyed with each other. He looked so lost, so defeated. He hadn’t seen the kid look like that since the early days. “Why do I get the feeling you think being happy’s a bad thing?”
“It shouldn’t be.” Jensen still wouldn’t meet his eye.
“But?”
“But… the cost of this happiness. It was too high, and … and it can’t last. It won’t.”
“It definitely won’t if you don’t sort out what’s going on inside that head of yours. Has Jared done something?”
“No.” Jensen looked shocked at the suggestion, which, truth be told, had Sam relaxing a little more about the situation he’d landed himself in.
“Then it’s you.” Jensen’s silence was enough of an answer. “What is it? What’s got you so tied up in knots you’re willing to sabotage this? Don’t you think you deserve it?”
The look on Jensen’s face was enough, when Sam finally caught it, for the answer to be obvious. “You don’t do you? You don’t think you deserve to be happy.”
Jensen left his seat, stared out the window over the garden he’d already started to prepare for when the kids were walking properly. Sarah long before Jamie if what Jared was telling him was true.
When Jensen spoke again he was quiet, as if he was reluctant to voice his thoughts aloud. “Have you ever thought about sin? About what it is? About what makes a life sinful?”
“Not if it I can help it.” Sam’s life and sinful were, in his opinion, synonymous. “Why?”
“I think, I’m pretty certain, I’ve become a sinner. I’m not saying I led a faultless life before but… I’m a sinner now.”
“Is this your mom talking? I know Donna’s prone to preach…”
“No, it’s not her.” Jensen shook his head. “This is me. Something I worked out all for myself.”
“So tell me, how are you a sinner? You killed someone I don’t know about? You out committing adultery or stealing from the neighbors?”
“I’m serious Sam.”
“So am I. I know about what would make a person bad, Jensen. Convince me. Convince me you’re a bad person ‘cause I can’t see it.”
Jensen flushed, embarrassed. He was looking at his feet when he finally spoke. “I like sex. I like it when Jared and I…”
Sam couldn’t hold back the snicker relief forced from his mouth. “I get the picture.”
Jensen’s eyes flared at Sam’s inability to take the issue seriously. “Do you? I mean. Hell, I don’t know what I mean.” Jensen deflated. “I… You know I wasn’t exactly experienced before I was confined.”
Sam nodded.
“Well, I never even thought about sex. Not in terms of having a partner and having a sexual relationship. There was nothing beyond idle curiosity and the occasional brief fantasy. Hell I never even masturbated, well, not often.”
“Because it was a sin?”
“No. I don’t know. This is hard to explain to you when I’ve not even managed to get it straight in my own head.”
“Try.”
“My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I thought everything I did, everything that happened to me, was what God had planned. I was never like my brothers, never wanted what they had. Joshua and Joseph both dated. They didn’t keep the fact that they had sex lives a secret, but it wasn’t for me. It would never be for me, and I was fine with that. You don’t miss what you’ve never had, right? My life was how it was meant to be and I accepted it.”
“Things change. What happened to you, before and after you were confined wasn’t your fault. You can’t be blamed for making the best of it.”
“After what happened to me, I thought… I stopped believing.”
“But you believe again now? You’ve rediscovered your faith? Is that the problem?”
“Part of me doubts it’d ever been lost. Just hidden. Or maybe I was just ignoring it. I felt abandoned. Felt like I’d devoted my life to something and was repaid with rejection. But look at what I have now. I have Jared, Sarah and Jamie. I was content in my old life, but I am happy now. Happier than I have any right to be. Maybe God…”
“You think God doesn’t want you to be happy?”
“Do you know how often I think about sex? All the fucking time. Lust is a sin and I find it so hard to be near Jared without wanting him. Without wanting him to touch me.”
“Jensen, sex isn’t a new thing in your life. It’s…”
“No. You don’t get it. Sex was alright when it was for procreation, or when it was something I was doing for Jared. No. Don’t look at me like that. I got something out of it too but it was a bonus, not my motivation.”
“And now?”
“And now I like sex and want it for me, because I like it. My fucking biology is screwed to the point that I actually … Fuck it Sam. I crave it like I’m an addict and the only way I can stop myself from begging Jared to fuck me is to stay away from him.”
Sam chuckled. “You’ve finally gained the libido you ignored as a teenager. Hell, back in the day a strong wind was enough to get me hard. I really don’t see your problem.”
“I know. I don’t think Jared would either. Don’t tell him.”
“I’ll treat it as if we were in the confessional. My lips are sealed.” At least until he could get Jared alone. He could live with breaking this little confidence, he wouldn’t be here, after all, if Jared hadn’t called, begging for him to find out what Jensen wasn’t telling him.
Jensen smiled. “That should be my line.”
“Not anymore. You’re not a priest anymore, Jen. But maybe you need to go into town. There’s an actual church there you know? With an actual minister who could help you get your head straight because, honestly, I don’t think you’ve got a problem that can’t be fixed by a booty call.”
Sam continued to smirk into his coffee as Jamie’s cry took a scowling Jensen out of the room.
Masterpost for story: here
Title: A Desperate Man
Rating: R
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Very AU, past MPREG
A/N: Cast of this story available here.
A/N2: Thank
mini_moue for the title. My inability to think of one almost prevented me from posting tonight.Jared turned over, automatically reaching out in search of the warm body that should be curled up next to him, that should be right there, skin against skin, in the empty space between the still warm sheets.
Its absence was enough to rouse him.
Enough to wake him up so he could see Jensen shuffling quietly towards the door, reach for one of the two robes that hung on its back, and slip it on.
“Jen?”
The silhouette at the door froze.
Shaking off sleep Jared registered that the house was silent. Not a cry, not a whimper. He turned to the clock, the glow telling him he’d barely been in bed for two hours. There was no need for Jensen to be up.
None at all.
Not when Jensen had pleaded exhaustion and gone to bed early, not when he’d feigned sleep when Jared had joined him.
Jensen’s voice traversed the darkness. “Go back to sleep Jared, I won’t be long.”
“I’ll go back to sleep when you come back to bed.”
Jared heard the sigh but there was no move for Jensen to retrace his steps. “I’m just going…”
Jared pulled himself up, sat with his back against the headboard. “I know where you’re going.” He controlled his breathing, the tone of his voice. “They’re fine. Come back to bed.” He didn’t want to sound angry but he knew what he was feeling was creeping into his voice, knew that Jensen could hear it.
Something was going wrong with them, something he didn’t want to acknowledge but it was happening all the same. For the last few weeks Jensen had been distracted, short tempered. It wasn’t just parenthood, it wasn’t just his self imposed seclusion, it was something else. Something insidious was working to destroy what Jared prized so greatly and he’d run out of people to seek advice from.
Alan’s health was failing to the point where Jared didn’t want to trouble him with it, not that it was a great idea to get relationship advice off a member of Jensen’s family, so that ruled Joseph out of the equation too.
The situation made Jared feel his own isolation more keenly, his own need for family. The irregular conversation Chris managed to organize with his brother wasn’t enough to preserve either his sanity, or his high spirits.
He should be able to talk to Jensen about what was troubling him … but how the hell could he do that when the problem was Jensen? Jensen’s distance, Jensen’s refusal to acknowledge the rift that was getting increasingly wider.
Jared found himself living on his nerves, waiting for his world to come crashing down round his ears. Love wasn’t proving to be enough to keep them on an even keel, but Jared would be damned if he was willing to give up on something he doubted he could live without.
This was only the second night the babies hadn’t been in their room. Only the second night since he’d won that particular battle and Jared shouldn’t be surprised that Jensen was doing this, he had, after all, found Jensen asleep in the nursery this morning. He preferred to believe that it was Jensen being overprotective, anxious. It was better than the taunting fear that it had just been one more instance of Jensen trying to avoid spending time with him.
“If they want you they’ll holler.”
“Sarah won’t.”
“She will if she wants you enough.” Jared wanted to sound reasonable but even he could hear the cruel edge to his tone.
“They’re teething.”
“All the more reason we’ll hear them.”
Jensen reluctantly dragged himself to the bed, slipped off the robe and pulled back the comforter.
Jared couldn’t be certain it existed, but he really wouldn’t have been surprised if the first cry had been enough to provoke an increasingly rare smile. Jensen got back up fast enough.
Jared knew he should get up too, two babies, two pairs of hands would be useful, but he didn’t think his help was wanted. Jensen seemed more than able to cope, was determined to prove he could do it alone, and Jared had to fight to bond with his son, his daughter, in those moments Jensen wasn’t being too possessive.
He fell asleep after the crying stopped but before Jensen slipped back into bed next to him.
Sam stepped in through the front door and kicked it closed behind him as he dropped his holdall onto the floor near the stairs. He’d take it up to his room later.
Jensen appeared, wiping his hands on a towel draped over his shoulder. A small surprised smile curled the corners of Jensen’s lips and, though hugging was never something he encouraged, Sam didn’t repel his enthusiastic embrace.
“It’s good to see you.” He patted Jensen’s back before he pulled away.
“You too. I wasn’t expecting you,” Jensen nodded towards the bag. “How long you staying?”
“Just overnight. I’m meeting Chris near the border tomorrow. Figured I could do it just as well from this side as from the other.”
Jensen’s smile dimmed. His tired, drawn face more obvious as the light left his eyes. “You hungry? Jared’s in the shower, but I got breakfast going.”
“If you’d any idea what kind of food I’d been subjected to lately you’d know I’m never going to be one to turn down your cooking.”
“Glad to hear it.”
He followed Jensen into the kitchen where the first thing Jensen did was pour him some coffee. He handed it to him: black, strong and sweet. Sam enjoyed the fact Jensen knew just the way he liked it, not many people had ever taken the trouble to learn his preference. He looked round the kitchen as he sat on the stool by the large wooden island. There were bottles lined up along the wall on the countertop. Brightly decorated bowls next to the microwave. There were babies clothes amongst the pile of clean laundry folded up on top of the washer.
Jensen followed his gaze toward the evidence of their kids. “They’re still asleep. Jamie’s teething, was up most of the night. Kept us up, kept his sister up. They’ll be awake soon enough though. Give them an hour and he’ll be demanding breakfast.”
Sam nodded, sipped his coffee. “Not her?”
Jensen smiled. “She just doesn’t like a fuss is all, like someone else I know.” Sam caught the implied ‘Just like her daddy’ but didn’t comment on it. He thought his little girl looked more like Jensen than Jamie did, her personality could possibly prove to be like his but Sam hoped, for everyone’s sake, that she’d grow out of it if it was. “I actually think she’s cut more teeth than her brother, but I never thought to check her gums until he started complaining.”
“Do you think it’s normal? Her being so quiet?” Sam’s experience with babies was incredibly limited but Jamie’s demanding caterwauling seemed like it should be the norm.
Jensen frowned, obviously perturbed by the possibility that there could be something wrong with his little girl. “She’s fine. Just doesn’t like a fuss, like I said.”
Jared took that moment to arrive, damp hair curled round his ears. He looked uncomfortable, trussed up in the dark gray suit which coordinated wonderfully with the shadows under his eyes.
Jensen silently handed him a coffee before he turned back to the stove. Sam noticed the atmosphere drop a couple of degrees as Jared took the cup and sat down, Jensen busying himself in front of the stove, shoulders stiff.
“Hello, Sam.” Jared nodded towards him, the acknowledgment forced and not as warm as it usually was.
“Jared.” He looked at the way Jared followed Jensen’s movements, at the way he looked pained when Jensen wasn’t looking. “Off to work?”
Jared nodded, the mask of happiness falling neatly back into place before he joined Sam in conversation. “Yeah. Feel like I could sleep for a week though. Damn it, but that kid of ours has got a healthy set of lungs on him.”
Sam sipped his own coffee just as Jensen slid a plate of pancakes in front of him. Bottle of syrup placed within easy reach. “How’s the job going anyway?”
Jared put his empty coffee cup down just as another plate appeared, this one with a side of bacon. “Fine. Took me a while to get into the swing of things but nobody’s fired me yet so I must be doing alright.”
“You’re doing great.” Jensen refilled Jared’s cup before joining them at the counter. “They’re lucky to have you.” Sam didn’t doubt the smile was genuine even if the chill between the two men showed no sign of thawing. He hadn’t felt this uncomfortable in a room since he’d last had a gun held against his temple.
“I’m just grateful that they think they are.” He swallowed a mouthful of pancake before continuing. “That was some damn fine forgery your friend did on those transcripts.”
Sam took a break from eating to reply, “They’re genuine I’ll have you know. It’s just the information on them that’s a little bit … fictional.”
Jared grinned and then caught sight of the time on his watch. He cast a wistful look at his barely touched plate. “I really need to go. Like me or not, they’ll end up firing me if I continue being late every morning ‘cause I can’t get out of bed.” Jared stood and kissed Jensen goodbye, the move automatic, no thought going into it at all. They lingered, both men reluctant to let go, stop breathing each other in. And then the moment was broken. Jared pulled away, grabbed a slice of bacon off his plate and hurried out of the room. The front door closing quietly in deference to the sleeping infants upstairs.
Sam waited a little while, finished his breakfast, allowed Jensen to reacquire his equilibrium, unclench the white knuckled fists that had appeared as soon as Jared had made his move. “You okay?”
“Sure.”
Sam snorted, “Yeah, and I’m on the President’s Christmas card list. Don’t give me that crap. I don’t appreciate being lied to.”
“I’m not …”
“I’m serious. You could cut the tension in this fucking house with a knife. What the hell’s been going? You guys look like you’re one step away from the divorce courts. What’s got you so miserable?”
“I’m not miserable, Jared is. And it’s my fault. I’m as happy as happy can be.”
“Coulda fooled me.”
Jensen collapsed onto the chair Jared had vacated. “I am… was … could be.”
Sam frowned as he stared at Jensen’s dejected face, eyes fixed on fingers as they toyed with each other. He looked so lost, so defeated. He hadn’t seen the kid look like that since the early days. “Why do I get the feeling you think being happy’s a bad thing?”
“It shouldn’t be.” Jensen still wouldn’t meet his eye.
“But?”
“But… the cost of this happiness. It was too high, and … and it can’t last. It won’t.”
“It definitely won’t if you don’t sort out what’s going on inside that head of yours. Has Jared done something?”
“No.” Jensen looked shocked at the suggestion, which, truth be told, had Sam relaxing a little more about the situation he’d landed himself in.
“Then it’s you.” Jensen’s silence was enough of an answer. “What is it? What’s got you so tied up in knots you’re willing to sabotage this? Don’t you think you deserve it?”
The look on Jensen’s face was enough, when Sam finally caught it, for the answer to be obvious. “You don’t do you? You don’t think you deserve to be happy.”
Jensen left his seat, stared out the window over the garden he’d already started to prepare for when the kids were walking properly. Sarah long before Jamie if what Jared was telling him was true.
When Jensen spoke again he was quiet, as if he was reluctant to voice his thoughts aloud. “Have you ever thought about sin? About what it is? About what makes a life sinful?”
“Not if it I can help it.” Sam’s life and sinful were, in his opinion, synonymous. “Why?”
“I think, I’m pretty certain, I’ve become a sinner. I’m not saying I led a faultless life before but… I’m a sinner now.”
“Is this your mom talking? I know Donna’s prone to preach…”
“No, it’s not her.” Jensen shook his head. “This is me. Something I worked out all for myself.”
“So tell me, how are you a sinner? You killed someone I don’t know about? You out committing adultery or stealing from the neighbors?”
“I’m serious Sam.”
“So am I. I know about what would make a person bad, Jensen. Convince me. Convince me you’re a bad person ‘cause I can’t see it.”
Jensen flushed, embarrassed. He was looking at his feet when he finally spoke. “I like sex. I like it when Jared and I…”
Sam couldn’t hold back the snicker relief forced from his mouth. “I get the picture.”
Jensen’s eyes flared at Sam’s inability to take the issue seriously. “Do you? I mean. Hell, I don’t know what I mean.” Jensen deflated. “I… You know I wasn’t exactly experienced before I was confined.”
Sam nodded.
“Well, I never even thought about sex. Not in terms of having a partner and having a sexual relationship. There was nothing beyond idle curiosity and the occasional brief fantasy. Hell I never even masturbated, well, not often.”
“Because it was a sin?”
“No. I don’t know. This is hard to explain to you when I’ve not even managed to get it straight in my own head.”
“Try.”
“My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I thought everything I did, everything that happened to me, was what God had planned. I was never like my brothers, never wanted what they had. Joshua and Joseph both dated. They didn’t keep the fact that they had sex lives a secret, but it wasn’t for me. It would never be for me, and I was fine with that. You don’t miss what you’ve never had, right? My life was how it was meant to be and I accepted it.”
“Things change. What happened to you, before and after you were confined wasn’t your fault. You can’t be blamed for making the best of it.”
“After what happened to me, I thought… I stopped believing.”
“But you believe again now? You’ve rediscovered your faith? Is that the problem?”
“Part of me doubts it’d ever been lost. Just hidden. Or maybe I was just ignoring it. I felt abandoned. Felt like I’d devoted my life to something and was repaid with rejection. But look at what I have now. I have Jared, Sarah and Jamie. I was content in my old life, but I am happy now. Happier than I have any right to be. Maybe God…”
“You think God doesn’t want you to be happy?”
“Do you know how often I think about sex? All the fucking time. Lust is a sin and I find it so hard to be near Jared without wanting him. Without wanting him to touch me.”
“Jensen, sex isn’t a new thing in your life. It’s…”
“No. You don’t get it. Sex was alright when it was for procreation, or when it was something I was doing for Jared. No. Don’t look at me like that. I got something out of it too but it was a bonus, not my motivation.”
“And now?”
“And now I like sex and want it for me, because I like it. My fucking biology is screwed to the point that I actually … Fuck it Sam. I crave it like I’m an addict and the only way I can stop myself from begging Jared to fuck me is to stay away from him.”
Sam chuckled. “You’ve finally gained the libido you ignored as a teenager. Hell, back in the day a strong wind was enough to get me hard. I really don’t see your problem.”
“I know. I don’t think Jared would either. Don’t tell him.”
“I’ll treat it as if we were in the confessional. My lips are sealed.” At least until he could get Jared alone. He could live with breaking this little confidence, he wouldn’t be here, after all, if Jared hadn’t called, begging for him to find out what Jensen wasn’t telling him.
Jensen smiled. “That should be my line.”
“Not anymore. You’re not a priest anymore, Jen. But maybe you need to go into town. There’s an actual church there you know? With an actual minister who could help you get your head straight because, honestly, I don’t think you’ve got a problem that can’t be fixed by a booty call.”
Sam continued to smirk into his coffee as Jamie’s cry took a scowling Jensen out of the room.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2009-03-29 09:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 09:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 09:36 pm (UTC)Sneaky Sam! Always good to let secrets slip and then do a runner to avoid the fall out.
Great addition to the 'verse with Jensen confessing to being confused about his past and current life coming together.
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Date: 2009-03-29 09:44 pm (UTC)That was really sad even though it looks a little bit brighter at the end. Poor guys...
I feel forced to write that because I'm kind of surprised that everyone wrote "poor Jensen" without even mentionning Jared. I just don't get it, this is a fic about the two guys...
*loves the two of them*
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Date: 2009-03-29 09:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 06:23 am (UTC)Yes, this. You've set up a world and relationships that can't just fade off into happy ever after. Events have repurcussions, aftershocks, changes have effects that must be dealt with. It's rewarding to read that struggle, though of course I hope they get it sorted. I want happy, for all of them.
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Date: 2009-03-29 10:03 pm (UTC)What an interesting development. Jensen craving, or lusting as he puts it, for Jared's sexual attentions....hehe. I find it as funny as Sam did. Jensen said it himself what he shunned so much growing up, he is making up for big time now...but he sees it as a sin....poor boy...so conflicted. xx
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Date: 2009-03-29 10:10 pm (UTC)Thank you so much !!
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Date: 2009-03-29 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 11:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 11:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 11:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 11:39 pm (UTC)during sex.no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 11:51 pm (UTC)I do like Sam, and I am so pleased that Jared was able to get past his occasional bouts of jealousy to reach out to Sam. That was perfect. I'm proud of them both.
Now Jensen, go get your head straight. Wanting sex is a GOOD thing!
Great job! Thanks for writing and keeping this wonderful story alive.
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Date: 2009-03-29 11:57 pm (UTC)i like it. it's nice to see that some things from Jensens previous life are still important for him. but maybe not to this degree. it's a positive thing to have faith in God but he shouldn't be afraid that he will take all the good things in his life away. he's not the first person who left the church. he should use his faith in Gods 'goodness' and see his family as a gift for all the bad thing that had happened in his life.
thank you for the update!
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Date: 2009-03-30 12:27 am (UTC)though I do feel for Jensen I can understand where's he coming from .
can't wait for more
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Date: 2009-03-30 01:25 am (UTC)love this story !
excellent story telling as always
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Date: 2009-03-30 01:33 am (UTC)I like your insight as to the difficulty Jensen is having adjusting to his sexual awakening. Most people deal in their teens or early 20's. He's dealing now and so much conflict in his head.
I would very much love Jensen & Jared working this out together *smiles*
Thanks.
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Date: 2009-03-30 01:58 am (UTC)I had a feeling it wouldn't be long before Jensen started to think that he didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't think he'd be worried about liking sex! That's definitely a twist that took me by surprise. I'm glad that Jared and Sam are getting along, enough to tolerate each other and reach out when in need. Everyone has come a long way. Great job!
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Date: 2009-03-30 02:02 am (UTC)I honestly didn't think I'd ever say that in this story *gasps*
But honestly it's true.. Jared really has no one but Jensen and he's cut off even that for Jared because why? Because he's conflicted? I'm going to smack him I know I am.
Can't wait for more.
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Date: 2009-03-30 02:54 am (UTC)Being to horny to be around Jared, what a terrible problem to have. In all seriousness though, Jensen's crisis of faith is understandable.
It's awesome that you're back to writing in this wonderful 'verse.
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Date: 2009-03-30 06:51 am (UTC)I Adore this story so god damn much :D
I'm so glad you've started the next lot, i was getting "itchy".
This is by far one of the best fanfics on LJ.
I feel so sorry for Jared :(
Come on Jensen just tell Jay you want him up ya'!
Jesus, its not like its going to kill you -_-
They'll just have to use protection XD
I'm glad Sam's still involved and still comes around to see them :)
AWESOME FIRST CHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*is in love*
:D
More please and thank you.
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Date: 2009-03-30 07:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 09:34 am (UTC)at first i thought something terrible happened..
(feeling like to mess up Jensen's hair...such a cutie..)
thanks god there is a good Sam in their world..
now i can't wait to see how Jared is going to solve this "problem"? =V=
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Date: 2009-03-30 12:29 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-03-31 03:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 06:16 pm (UTC)*happily devours fic*
MOAR?
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Date: 2009-03-31 08:31 pm (UTC)I love Sam he's an awesome character, loved this and am really looking forward to the sequel xxx
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Date: 2009-03-31 08:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-02 06:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-02 11:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-02 09:14 pm (UTC)Loved the update!!!
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Date: 2009-04-03 06:35 am (UTC)Cat
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Date: 2009-04-05 11:27 am (UTC)It's just Jensen has his family, Sam and that now... he has this whole support system... who does Jared have? Jensen... and well in this one Jensen took the one person he did have away too...
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