Desperate Times - 46
Jan. 25th, 2009 10:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hemrageChapter 45 here.
Title: Desperate Times (46/50)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/OMCs, AU, Non-con, Dub-con, MPREG
A/N: Cast of this story available here.
Additional Warnings For This and Upcoming Chapters for those that want them – Reading these may, in my opinion, spoil your enjoyment of the story: (Highlight to read) Extreme medical practices, acts of terrorism, violence - murder and CHARACTER DEATH (I only kill original characters.) Oh, and I believe in happy endings!
“Just fuck off, Jared.”
Jared stepped back from the furious man he’d followed into the bedroom. He kept his distance as he watched Jensen, red faced, start pulling Jared’s clothes out of the dresser and throw them unceremoniously onto the floor. “Jen, listen to me, please.” He kept his voice, when he spoke, calm and reasonable. There was something going on with Jensen lately, something that worried him and, despite what Jensen was saying now, he knew that this outburst wasn’t motivated solely by anger at this morning’s events.
“Why the hell should I? I told you, I told you how I felt and you promised to stand by me. You promised.” He could hear the waver in Jensen’s voice, the break that often preceded tears. But there were no tears, not this time. Jensen hadn’t allowed himself the luxury of them since he’d last wept on Jared’s shoulder. They were a weakness Jensen no longer let himself show.
Jared saw Jensen’s jaw tense, his hands clench into fists as he fought to regain control. This was Jensen using anger to distract, to make Jared step away, abandon him, or get him to do whatever the hell it was Jensen thought he needed right now.
“Jeff wanted…”
Jensen’s head dropped onto the top of the dresser, his forehead cushioned by the back of his hands. “I don’t care what Jeff wanted.” There was desperation mixed in with the fury.
What are you trying to tell me?
“That’s blatantly obvious, but you should, Jen. You should care. You could not be at that meeting this morning.”
“It was about me.” Pleading, sorrowful, the anger barely audible at all.
“Yes, yes it was. About your surgery, about the delivery. All things you didn’t need to hear.” Jensen toyed with the handle of the drawer, his finger sweeping along the metal length as he flicked it on its hinges – up, down, up, down.
Jared was getting through, he had to be.
“I’ve a right to be involved.” Jensen didn’t even sound convinced.
“No.”
“You promised…” Jensen was saying it because it was what came next in this particular confrontation, not because he believed it. Not anymore. As the anger was stripped away Jared saw the rawness of the emotion beneath. Jensen needed reassurance, he needed comfort.
“I promised to be on your side. That hasn’t changed.” He wanted to reach out, touch, but restrained himself. Even deflated he wasn’t sure how receptive Jensen would be to physical contact. Jensen had been drawing back from it for days. Seemed to hate being touched, hate the way they woke up in each other’s space every morning.
Alan had said that Donna had been like that towards the end too. Ashamed of her own body, convinced that she was bloated, ugly, unappealing. Jared wasn’t sure that was the problem, but he was grateful for Alan’s attempts to help. His attempts to heal the rift that he feared was growing between his son and his partner. But the thing was Jared didn’t think there was a rift. He knew, without a doubt, that Jensen loved him, and he had no doubt about his feelings for Jensen. But there was something .. there was always something.
Relationships were hard work if you weren’t a pretty competent mindreader.
Jensen lifted his head off the dresser, pushing the empty drawer closed.
“I…”
Jared stepped forward then, ignored the way his clothes were scattered across the floor, threatening to trip him if he allowed his feet to get tangled. He was grateful Jensen didn’t pull away as he drew him close enough so that he had no option but to lean against his chest. “You’re scared, Jen. I get it, I do.” He rubbed circles into the small of Jensen’s back. “It’s alright to be afraid, it’s alright.”
Jensen stumbled over to the bed, dropped onto it, shook his head. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel so much guilt that it cripples you? Do you know what that’s like, Jared?”
Jared said nothing. He’d had his fair share of guilt, over Sarah, over Jack. Not that he’d ever shared the burden of it with Jensen. He sat next to his lover, reconnected with him, as Jensen continued to speak. His hand gently resting against a thigh.
“I thought I’d be relieved when Sam brought word that Josh was safe, and I was, for a little while, until I realized that what happened to him, what he suffered, what he lost, was because of me. How many people have paid for knowing me? For trying to help me?”
“Jensen….”
“You. You’re stuck here, away from your family and with an uncertain future because of me. Because you care. My family, they’ve lost everything. Sam lost his wife. Jeff, hell, I don’t even know what he’s lost. But he must’ve lost something because everyone has. Everyone has lost something, because of me.”
Jared didn’t know whether this outburst was just another deflection, like the anger had been, but he responded to it because, even if it wasn’t the root cause of Jensen’s mood it had to have a bearing. “It’s not something for you to feel guilty about.”
“Isn’t it?” Incredulous, Jensen reacted as if Jared was mad for suggesting such a thing.
“No. Because it’s about choice. Choices brought us here. We all chose it Jensen.” Except for you, and Trey. Mustn’t forget Trey. “All of us. It has nothing to do with you. You shouldn’t punish yourself. Ever.”
Jensen’s head dropped, his chin resting against his chest as he stared at what sat beneath it, covering his thighs. “What about her?”
Jared looked at the swollen belly and frowned. Who was she? Who was Jensen referring to? Who…?
And then it came to him. It was a random leap, from one source of guilt to another, but this one, this one Jensen never seemed to be able to conquer. The daughter he’d lost, the one that still haunted him even though he’d never met her, never laid eyes on her except for the dreams that she used to invade, perhaps still did. “You didn’t... That wasn’t you. If you’d known, Jen. We’ve had this conversation before and I thought…”
He watched Jensen’s arms wrap around his stomach, watched as his bottom lip disappeared between his teeth, as he frowned.
Jared moved his hand from Jensen’s thigh and placed it on Jensen’s belly.
Those two, Jensen’s children, were reacting to their father’s mood, bouncing around like they were competing for their daddy’s attention. He felt a particularly violent push against his hand, “Are they always like that?” He couldn’t quite keep the awe from his voice.
“They’ve been worse lately.”
Jared fought to contain the smile as he felt another blow against his palm. He was surprised Jensen wasn’t covered in bruises. He sobered a little. Maybe, inside, he was. “This is proof of life, baby. What happened to your little girl isn’t happening here, you know that right?”
“I just… they need to be put first Jay. With you in there, and mom in there, I know I’ve got no say, but if it comes down to it, if there’s a choice, they need to be put first.”
Jared stared at Jensen, drawing him close, holding Jensen against his chest as he kissed the top of his head. He couldn’t make that promise, not if Jensen asked for him to make it. The subject had come up in the meeting with Jeff and they’d agreed that if he could only save one, if it came down to a choice, he’d make the same decision for Jensen that he’d had to make for Trey.
Jensen didn’t need to know that.
He was so quiet, so still, that for a while Jared was convinced that Jensen had fallen asleep and he took pleasure from the simple joy of Jensen against him, closer than they’d been in days, in weeks.
When Jensen shifted, looked up at him, he knew the moment was lost. “I think I need to go and see Jeff.”
“Are you okay?”
“I … I think so. I just. I need to talk to him. I guess I shouldn’t avoid the doctor and, if I’m telling you to put the kids first, I need to as well.”
Jared stole a kiss before he allowed Jensen to move away. “Do you want me to come with you?”
Jensen shook his head, “No, it’s okay. I keep telling you I’m an adult. I think I need to start acting like one and taking responsibility for my life.”
As Jensen stood, an obvious struggle, but he managed, Jared swung his legs round and sat on the edge of the bed. Jensen turned. “Sorry for the bitchfest earlier. I… I do love you, you know?”
Jared smirked, “I never doubted it.”
At the relief on Jensen’s face Jared allowed himself to relax, just a little, as Jensen left the room. He walked over to the window and it was a minute or two before he saw Jensen making his way over to the cabin that doubled as Jeff’s clinic. A very distinctive waddle in his walk.
Only a couple of weeks to go.
No wonder Jensen was freaking out, Jared felt sick at just the thought of it.
Next
Title: Desperate Times (46/50)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/OMCs, AU, Non-con, Dub-con, MPREG
A/N: Cast of this story available here.
Additional Warnings For This and Upcoming Chapters for those that want them – Reading these may, in my opinion, spoil your enjoyment of the story: (Highlight to read) Extreme medical practices, acts of terrorism, violence - murder and CHARACTER DEATH (I only kill original characters.) Oh, and I believe in happy endings!
“Just fuck off, Jared.”
Jared stepped back from the furious man he’d followed into the bedroom. He kept his distance as he watched Jensen, red faced, start pulling Jared’s clothes out of the dresser and throw them unceremoniously onto the floor. “Jen, listen to me, please.” He kept his voice, when he spoke, calm and reasonable. There was something going on with Jensen lately, something that worried him and, despite what Jensen was saying now, he knew that this outburst wasn’t motivated solely by anger at this morning’s events.
“Why the hell should I? I told you, I told you how I felt and you promised to stand by me. You promised.” He could hear the waver in Jensen’s voice, the break that often preceded tears. But there were no tears, not this time. Jensen hadn’t allowed himself the luxury of them since he’d last wept on Jared’s shoulder. They were a weakness Jensen no longer let himself show.
Jared saw Jensen’s jaw tense, his hands clench into fists as he fought to regain control. This was Jensen using anger to distract, to make Jared step away, abandon him, or get him to do whatever the hell it was Jensen thought he needed right now.
“Jeff wanted…”
Jensen’s head dropped onto the top of the dresser, his forehead cushioned by the back of his hands. “I don’t care what Jeff wanted.” There was desperation mixed in with the fury.
What are you trying to tell me?
“That’s blatantly obvious, but you should, Jen. You should care. You could not be at that meeting this morning.”
“It was about me.” Pleading, sorrowful, the anger barely audible at all.
“Yes, yes it was. About your surgery, about the delivery. All things you didn’t need to hear.” Jensen toyed with the handle of the drawer, his finger sweeping along the metal length as he flicked it on its hinges – up, down, up, down.
Jared was getting through, he had to be.
“I’ve a right to be involved.” Jensen didn’t even sound convinced.
“No.”
“You promised…” Jensen was saying it because it was what came next in this particular confrontation, not because he believed it. Not anymore. As the anger was stripped away Jared saw the rawness of the emotion beneath. Jensen needed reassurance, he needed comfort.
“I promised to be on your side. That hasn’t changed.” He wanted to reach out, touch, but restrained himself. Even deflated he wasn’t sure how receptive Jensen would be to physical contact. Jensen had been drawing back from it for days. Seemed to hate being touched, hate the way they woke up in each other’s space every morning.
Alan had said that Donna had been like that towards the end too. Ashamed of her own body, convinced that she was bloated, ugly, unappealing. Jared wasn’t sure that was the problem, but he was grateful for Alan’s attempts to help. His attempts to heal the rift that he feared was growing between his son and his partner. But the thing was Jared didn’t think there was a rift. He knew, without a doubt, that Jensen loved him, and he had no doubt about his feelings for Jensen. But there was something .. there was always something.
Relationships were hard work if you weren’t a pretty competent mindreader.
Jensen lifted his head off the dresser, pushing the empty drawer closed.
“I…”
Jared stepped forward then, ignored the way his clothes were scattered across the floor, threatening to trip him if he allowed his feet to get tangled. He was grateful Jensen didn’t pull away as he drew him close enough so that he had no option but to lean against his chest. “You’re scared, Jen. I get it, I do.” He rubbed circles into the small of Jensen’s back. “It’s alright to be afraid, it’s alright.”
Jensen stumbled over to the bed, dropped onto it, shook his head. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel so much guilt that it cripples you? Do you know what that’s like, Jared?”
Jared said nothing. He’d had his fair share of guilt, over Sarah, over Jack. Not that he’d ever shared the burden of it with Jensen. He sat next to his lover, reconnected with him, as Jensen continued to speak. His hand gently resting against a thigh.
“I thought I’d be relieved when Sam brought word that Josh was safe, and I was, for a little while, until I realized that what happened to him, what he suffered, what he lost, was because of me. How many people have paid for knowing me? For trying to help me?”
“Jensen….”
“You. You’re stuck here, away from your family and with an uncertain future because of me. Because you care. My family, they’ve lost everything. Sam lost his wife. Jeff, hell, I don’t even know what he’s lost. But he must’ve lost something because everyone has. Everyone has lost something, because of me.”
Jared didn’t know whether this outburst was just another deflection, like the anger had been, but he responded to it because, even if it wasn’t the root cause of Jensen’s mood it had to have a bearing. “It’s not something for you to feel guilty about.”
“Isn’t it?” Incredulous, Jensen reacted as if Jared was mad for suggesting such a thing.
“No. Because it’s about choice. Choices brought us here. We all chose it Jensen.” Except for you, and Trey. Mustn’t forget Trey. “All of us. It has nothing to do with you. You shouldn’t punish yourself. Ever.”
Jensen’s head dropped, his chin resting against his chest as he stared at what sat beneath it, covering his thighs. “What about her?”
Jared looked at the swollen belly and frowned. Who was she? Who was Jensen referring to? Who…?
And then it came to him. It was a random leap, from one source of guilt to another, but this one, this one Jensen never seemed to be able to conquer. The daughter he’d lost, the one that still haunted him even though he’d never met her, never laid eyes on her except for the dreams that she used to invade, perhaps still did. “You didn’t... That wasn’t you. If you’d known, Jen. We’ve had this conversation before and I thought…”
He watched Jensen’s arms wrap around his stomach, watched as his bottom lip disappeared between his teeth, as he frowned.
Jared moved his hand from Jensen’s thigh and placed it on Jensen’s belly.
Those two, Jensen’s children, were reacting to their father’s mood, bouncing around like they were competing for their daddy’s attention. He felt a particularly violent push against his hand, “Are they always like that?” He couldn’t quite keep the awe from his voice.
“They’ve been worse lately.”
Jared fought to contain the smile as he felt another blow against his palm. He was surprised Jensen wasn’t covered in bruises. He sobered a little. Maybe, inside, he was. “This is proof of life, baby. What happened to your little girl isn’t happening here, you know that right?”
“I just… they need to be put first Jay. With you in there, and mom in there, I know I’ve got no say, but if it comes down to it, if there’s a choice, they need to be put first.”
Jared stared at Jensen, drawing him close, holding Jensen against his chest as he kissed the top of his head. He couldn’t make that promise, not if Jensen asked for him to make it. The subject had come up in the meeting with Jeff and they’d agreed that if he could only save one, if it came down to a choice, he’d make the same decision for Jensen that he’d had to make for Trey.
Jensen didn’t need to know that.
He was so quiet, so still, that for a while Jared was convinced that Jensen had fallen asleep and he took pleasure from the simple joy of Jensen against him, closer than they’d been in days, in weeks.
When Jensen shifted, looked up at him, he knew the moment was lost. “I think I need to go and see Jeff.”
“Are you okay?”
“I … I think so. I just. I need to talk to him. I guess I shouldn’t avoid the doctor and, if I’m telling you to put the kids first, I need to as well.”
Jared stole a kiss before he allowed Jensen to move away. “Do you want me to come with you?”
Jensen shook his head, “No, it’s okay. I keep telling you I’m an adult. I think I need to start acting like one and taking responsibility for my life.”
As Jensen stood, an obvious struggle, but he managed, Jared swung his legs round and sat on the edge of the bed. Jensen turned. “Sorry for the bitchfest earlier. I… I do love you, you know?”
Jared smirked, “I never doubted it.”
At the relief on Jensen’s face Jared allowed himself to relax, just a little, as Jensen left the room. He walked over to the window and it was a minute or two before he saw Jensen making his way over to the cabin that doubled as Jeff’s clinic. A very distinctive waddle in his walk.
Only a couple of weeks to go.
No wonder Jensen was freaking out, Jared felt sick at just the thought of it.
Next
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Date: 2009-01-26 12:46 am (UTC)