Unwanted 7/10
Feb. 20th, 2011 09:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hemrageReturn to Part Six
PART SEVEN
Jensen ignored the pain. It was getting harder to do, but he was still managing it and so far no one had said anything, he was really hoping they hadn’t noticed.
His back had been hurting when he’d woken up this morning and he’d figured – hoped – it was just the same old aches and pains he’d been getting as he’d grown bigger.
By lunchtime his legs had started to join the chorus, but that was only to be expected given the extra bulk he’d been making them carry round.
Then the stomach ache had begun. Low in his gut, deep and insistent. Once that pain had moved, first creeping up towards his naval and resting there before radiating across his stomach, he’d found himself studying the clock once he’d finished biting his tongue. Controlling his breathing. Eighteen minute intervals had been shrinking over the course of the day … but he still didn’t say anything.
Refused to acknowledge even now that denial seemed foolhardy.
He’d wondered what he’d do when this happened. Thought that he’d be glad to finally get rid of the little leech that was growing within him … but then he remembered that he wouldn’t be rid of it, would he? It would be there – crying, whinging, making demands on him for his time and attention. He’d already had it pointed out to him that he was going to have to feed it. Going to have to hold it to his chest and let it suckle him whenever it made demands for it.
It was going to be more difficult, after it was born, to ignore its existence.
So he ignored the pain. Ignored the pain even though its strength was increasing. Even though it stole his breath away and made him want to cry out for someone, anyone, to put him out of this misery.
He’d imagined a sterile hospital. Drugs, oh so many drugs, and then he wouldn’t feel or care.
He’d had enough now, already had enough, and if he could only sneak away. Get away for a short while to compose himself, ground himself, he’d be fine.
He would be.
Trust that it would just have to happen on a day when both families were in the house – talking some crap about vacations and the latest celebrity scandals. Jensen really didn’t want to be here, but hiding up in the bedroom hadn’t been allowed. Not after the way he’d made himself scarce for the last two ‘get-togethers’. They were happening every other weekend and Jensen didn’t want to think about how much more frequently they’d be round once the ba… once it was born.
He looked at the clock, masked the pain by turning away and walking towards the window. Focussed on his breathing and not cutting his palms as he clenched his fists, his whole body tensing as he focussed on not buckling, not collapsing to the ground.
Four minutes.
That’s how long he had until the next one, and they were getting stronger. Pretty soon there was no way he’d be able to conceal this. He didn’t know why he was still trying.
What the hell was he doing? It was coming out whether he was ready or not.
“Jensen, what do you think about going to the beach for a whole month in the summer?”
Jensen got his breath back and turned to face an eager Jared, “Sounds great.” The last thing he wanted was a vacation.
Jared turned back to his brother, talked about travel arrangements and how the baby would probably share a room with them because it would make the night feeds easier.
Night feeds … yeah. Like he could make Jared do all of those without waking him up.
Jared’s mother was looking at him, smiling that secret smile of hers as if she knew something.
Damn, Jensen hoped she didn’t.
He glanced quickly at the clock.
Three minutes to go.
Jared couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid.
He’d been marking the days off on the calendar, but according to the doctor at their last visit Jensen still had a month to go. His mother had been telling him for weeks that babies ran to their own schedule and nobody else’s – he didn’t listen. Luckily she was too wrapped up in what was happening to say ‘I told you so.’
Jensen had hidden it so well and Jared should’ve expected it. The man had become more pliant, more accommodating, where their relationship was concerned. Jensen actually smiled occasionally – until he went and did something stupid like mention the child.
He’d been living in hope that Jensen would come round, but he still wasn’t interested. Still resented the existence of that innocent little life that they’d made together. He only had hope now that Jensen would come round when he saw the little one for the first time, held it, nursed it.
It was a hope he couldn’t rely on.
Jensen screamed, his hands braced around his thighs as he bore down. He’d been in the later stages of labour by the time they’d made it to the hospital, the earlier stages hidden until Jensen had doubled over, cursing up a blue streak.
“Look, Daddy, look.”
The midwife motioned Jared forward, the space between Jensen’s legs awash with blood and other fluids, and there, in the middle of it, a crown of hair.
Jared wanted to cry, he was so happy. He looked up at Jensen and his smile slipped, there was no excitement there, only resignation and bitter sorrow. He looked like a man just handed a life sentence.
Jared’s brushed a stray strand of hair off Jensen’s sweaty forehead just as another contraction came and he had to push once more. Jensen screwed his eyes tight closed, his face contorted, his mouth forming an ‘o’ as he forced the breath from and to his lungs.
Jared rested his hand on Jensen’s leg, settled it so that he could brush against Jensen’s white knuckled hand with his thumb.
He’d wanted to offer so much more physical comfort than this, rub his back, his shoulders, but while the pain still came in unrelenting waves Jared was not Jensen’s favourite person.
The wails of a newborn filled the air as Jensen collapsed back onto the bed and Jared turned to the woman who’d been the first to see his baby’s face. She offered a squalling bundle to Jared moments later, “Your son.”
Jared looked at the little scrunched up face, his heart fit to bursting. He moved the baby so that Jensen could see it. “Here you go Jen, you want to meet him?”
Jensen turned his head away, “I’m tired, Jared.”
PART SEVEN
Jensen ignored the pain. It was getting harder to do, but he was still managing it and so far no one had said anything, he was really hoping they hadn’t noticed.
His back had been hurting when he’d woken up this morning and he’d figured – hoped – it was just the same old aches and pains he’d been getting as he’d grown bigger.
By lunchtime his legs had started to join the chorus, but that was only to be expected given the extra bulk he’d been making them carry round.
Then the stomach ache had begun. Low in his gut, deep and insistent. Once that pain had moved, first creeping up towards his naval and resting there before radiating across his stomach, he’d found himself studying the clock once he’d finished biting his tongue. Controlling his breathing. Eighteen minute intervals had been shrinking over the course of the day … but he still didn’t say anything.
Refused to acknowledge even now that denial seemed foolhardy.
He’d wondered what he’d do when this happened. Thought that he’d be glad to finally get rid of the little leech that was growing within him … but then he remembered that he wouldn’t be rid of it, would he? It would be there – crying, whinging, making demands on him for his time and attention. He’d already had it pointed out to him that he was going to have to feed it. Going to have to hold it to his chest and let it suckle him whenever it made demands for it.
It was going to be more difficult, after it was born, to ignore its existence.
So he ignored the pain. Ignored the pain even though its strength was increasing. Even though it stole his breath away and made him want to cry out for someone, anyone, to put him out of this misery.
He’d imagined a sterile hospital. Drugs, oh so many drugs, and then he wouldn’t feel or care.
He’d had enough now, already had enough, and if he could only sneak away. Get away for a short while to compose himself, ground himself, he’d be fine.
He would be.
Trust that it would just have to happen on a day when both families were in the house – talking some crap about vacations and the latest celebrity scandals. Jensen really didn’t want to be here, but hiding up in the bedroom hadn’t been allowed. Not after the way he’d made himself scarce for the last two ‘get-togethers’. They were happening every other weekend and Jensen didn’t want to think about how much more frequently they’d be round once the ba… once it was born.
He looked at the clock, masked the pain by turning away and walking towards the window. Focussed on his breathing and not cutting his palms as he clenched his fists, his whole body tensing as he focussed on not buckling, not collapsing to the ground.
Four minutes.
That’s how long he had until the next one, and they were getting stronger. Pretty soon there was no way he’d be able to conceal this. He didn’t know why he was still trying.
What the hell was he doing? It was coming out whether he was ready or not.
“Jensen, what do you think about going to the beach for a whole month in the summer?”
Jensen got his breath back and turned to face an eager Jared, “Sounds great.” The last thing he wanted was a vacation.
Jared turned back to his brother, talked about travel arrangements and how the baby would probably share a room with them because it would make the night feeds easier.
Night feeds … yeah. Like he could make Jared do all of those without waking him up.
Jared’s mother was looking at him, smiling that secret smile of hers as if she knew something.
Damn, Jensen hoped she didn’t.
He glanced quickly at the clock.
Three minutes to go.
Jared couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid.
He’d been marking the days off on the calendar, but according to the doctor at their last visit Jensen still had a month to go. His mother had been telling him for weeks that babies ran to their own schedule and nobody else’s – he didn’t listen. Luckily she was too wrapped up in what was happening to say ‘I told you so.’
Jensen had hidden it so well and Jared should’ve expected it. The man had become more pliant, more accommodating, where their relationship was concerned. Jensen actually smiled occasionally – until he went and did something stupid like mention the child.
He’d been living in hope that Jensen would come round, but he still wasn’t interested. Still resented the existence of that innocent little life that they’d made together. He only had hope now that Jensen would come round when he saw the little one for the first time, held it, nursed it.
It was a hope he couldn’t rely on.
Jensen screamed, his hands braced around his thighs as he bore down. He’d been in the later stages of labour by the time they’d made it to the hospital, the earlier stages hidden until Jensen had doubled over, cursing up a blue streak.
“Look, Daddy, look.”
The midwife motioned Jared forward, the space between Jensen’s legs awash with blood and other fluids, and there, in the middle of it, a crown of hair.
Jared wanted to cry, he was so happy. He looked up at Jensen and his smile slipped, there was no excitement there, only resignation and bitter sorrow. He looked like a man just handed a life sentence.
Jared’s brushed a stray strand of hair off Jensen’s sweaty forehead just as another contraction came and he had to push once more. Jensen screwed his eyes tight closed, his face contorted, his mouth forming an ‘o’ as he forced the breath from and to his lungs.
Jared rested his hand on Jensen’s leg, settled it so that he could brush against Jensen’s white knuckled hand with his thumb.
He’d wanted to offer so much more physical comfort than this, rub his back, his shoulders, but while the pain still came in unrelenting waves Jared was not Jensen’s favourite person.
The wails of a newborn filled the air as Jensen collapsed back onto the bed and Jared turned to the woman who’d been the first to see his baby’s face. She offered a squalling bundle to Jared moments later, “Your son.”
Jared looked at the little scrunched up face, his heart fit to bursting. He moved the baby so that Jensen could see it. “Here you go Jen, you want to meet him?”
Jensen turned his head away, “I’m tired, Jared.”
Return to Part Six ~o~ Go to Part Eight
